I FINALLY DID IT! LOOK HOW COOL IT IS! DO YOU FAWKING SEE THIS? DK himself is back online, babe-y! Heheheh.. Finally. Mr. <<-Vodka->> himself worked on a SOLID website. This looks pretty good if I do say so myself. Albeit, not without the help of AI, but.. Gawd, if I'm expected to do ALL THIS on my own completely? It's crazy! I am learning, okay? Without U2Be 2toR1AlZ!1!! to guide me along my way. I don't know if I should, you know, do what this site's *intended* purpose is using this entry, talk about my day, or whatever else will have me but I do know there'll be pretty frequent upd8es, you will know about my day either way. It IS a diary, after-all! I might even draw my retarded symbols again, put 'em next to the text boxes, really seal the whole "my thoughtzos" thing. Lol. No, but, really. I can talk amongst myself and do it VIA the interwebs, rather than paper and pencil, how cool is that? What do I put here now? Do I start it all stereotypically and ridiculous? Dear Diary, today was just soooo eventful hehe! No. I'm not that gay. I can be normal. Let me recount on today's awesome events. I stayed up all night like a fucking fatass would, hoping for motherfucking Burger King breakfast and I figured my aunt would be out of the house a little earlier, so I could go and be in the clear as to not be seen gourging myself on more fast-food. I had planned to get my ass to the stupid resturant, which, whether you know me or not, you probably SHOULD know it is just down the road, maybe 7 minutes of walking, but she ended up leaving at.. 11-11:30. That's crazy! Because you know why? I will gladly TELL YOU WHY. Burger King motherfucking BREAKFAST closes, apparently, now at 10-10:30 AM. What kind of bullshit is that? Imagine you have a quote-unquote 'late commute' and you have to leave at around 10-11.. Now that you've put yourself in those hypothetical shoes, imagine you really, really want Burger King. Whatever it might be from there. You pull into the drive-thru, whimsy and a pep in your step hopeful as one can be for greasy, shitty quality fast-food at 10-11 in the AM, only to find out, guess what, rhetorical poor-man? You're shit out of luck. That's right, baby. They closed already. 10 AM sharp, if you were real unlucky. Means you either have to get one of their oddly all-day coffee beverages, which I did not, some heart-attack-on-a-bun type burger before the afternoon, or you drive off in shame. Whatever. I know realistically, I should not give this much of a shit, and really I don't, BUT! It is MY website, asshole. That means.. Guess what, if I wanna spend multiple minutes of my day completely wasted on writing about fast food breakfasts and their unreasonable timings? I can. Klebold style, jeah. Hm. God, what else.. Oh, I went and took a hike. Literally. I walked my sweaty, caffinated ass into the local little forest I don't care to remember the name of today and wandered aimlessly for about an hour and a half into.. Spiderwebs, rocks, more spiderwebs, SPIDERS (euck), mosquitos, and other unpleasant wildlife. Ah, the beauty of nature. As you'd expect, I'm a little pussy-boy and I HATED that part, lmao. I guess it goes without saying that, if you enter someone, or something's neighborhood without any certain direction, do not be surprised if you end up on their front porch somehow? That's how I rationalized cobwebs covering every orifice of mine today and mosquitos molesting me every 10 feet I stepped. If I wanna explore the great outdoors and genuinely revel in it's pleasantries, you need to face the downsides too and get the fuck over them. The whole time I was out, thrashing my head like an autist and waving my bare arms of various insects, when I wasn't also focusing on how truthfully serene it was, I was lost in thought regarding my HATE for bugs. Gawd, I hate almost all of them. They're pretty to look at, some, sure.. Through natgeo. But, other than that, stay away from ME! I couldn't help but think further into it though, further than that, and that all there too, I wonder what Eric would think seeing me react so.. God-awful and retardedly. I think he'd definitely make fun of me. I could seriously almost hear the guy laughing in my ear, something like "LOL V YOU LOOK STUPID! JUST STEP OVER THE COBWEB DUMBFUCK!!" When I was too cowardly to dip my poor-person sneaker into a bed of 'em. How's that for serious encouragment? When in doubt, it really has never been "What would Jesus do", it HAS been "What would Reb do?", the answer to which is usually "Just go for it man, screw 'em all, don't be a pussy." And I say, pretty solid advice, E, but also fuck you lolol. Go Romans! You both help AND discourage me.. I am a delicate young man! Like a flower. Hahahahah, knowing you're possibly gunna read that if you give a fuck enough to check this bullshit out humors me. Hey, Reb! Hope you like my/chatgpts awesome coding skills.. Another thing about my little adventure, not only were my pants sliding down my ass with every other placement of my foot, I had three teensy little shot-bottles of vodka in my fucking pursewallet abomination, you know, like a NORMAL sober teenager does, and I had to be extra careful not to eat rocks and bust my ass eau-natural out there 'cuz I'd be bummed if anything happened to them! Nothing did, of course, I have them sitting in my desk drawer for later tonight/the next couple days (to be decided), but they're glass, that breaks super easy. I sort of felt like white trash wandering from the liquor store after loitering beside it for 30 minutes and eventually spotting some dude to hand my cash to, to the Dunkin Donuts across the street after I said I'd apparently go to the bus stop and get outta there like I made the elaborate plan of talking about, to a literal forest for however long to go on a little idle stroll, but it would've been way worse if I was stupid and got shitfaced in there like I planned to because I wouldn't have been able to get back home. Whatever, at least I saw water! And a frog. It hopped over my foot while I was walking on some ridicuously narrow walk-way in the neck of it all and it really did feel like some kinda cartoon. Oh, well. I have been writing for WAYYY, way too long, I think! Mr Love.Of.My.Life is sick as a dog right now and I thought I had checked up on him when I did not, silly me, actually I'm pretty pissed about that, and I feel super bad for him. So, that means I am cutting this short (not exactly short with how goddamn long this all is but WHATEVER, MAN!) and stopping here. Next entry will DEFINITELY be shorter, trust me! I don't have it in me to talk noone's ear off for this long usually, the occasional paragraph to Smig (Who is.. MIA right now, heheh.) is hardly an exception, the guy talks like me but better so it's sort of just like journaling anyway, but, this is official. I only wish I had given myself writing music this time around, or something. NIN really does work good to write to. Thanks for sticking around and getting through this fucking word salad, hope 'ya enjoyed. Be back soon.. I dunno if I sign it off, that feels retarded. Ironically, DK. Bye.
Last updated: 8/5/24 @ 11:11 PM..
Hello again, world wide web! Ah, Neocities. I enjoy the knowledge that I have this. It makes things easy and organized, even if I genuinely do feel very, very stupid figuring out the kinks of simple updates. I am following CSS better, as of today! I think that's cool. I don't know, I really can't give myself all too much credit for this website, as I am not entirely responsible for what went into the making of it. Despite my cyber-stalking habits, this was actually NOT inspired by another person! Not anyone I can think of openly, at least. Subconciously, though, sure. I bet it was. Noone's really all that goddamn original, after all. Luckily, to most, it's less about the sentiment of who/what coded it and why, more about what's here. And I know what is here, I am the owner of this all, obviously. My point stands now, that I can do almost anything I want to with this as I now understand what I'm working with, and how it works, which is why I would say, pretty neat. Besides my ever-improving coding ability, which, you could hardly call it that though I digress, el oh el, today has lacked any fruit. Shocker. I woke up at 6 PM today, what's new, and despite being wholly enervated, and also finding myself quite cold in comparison to usual (65 DEGREES TODAY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? IT'S AUGUST.), I got the hell over it, and I got out of bed. Wow... I hold a certain disdain for waking up, and to preface, it is not just because I am depressed as you may think, though that is, obviously, another reason one may dislike waking.
In my mind, it's closer to painful than plain uncomfortable feeling to force myself up and peel my eyelids open, and I am reminded of certain dread nightly when I lay my head down and remember, Oh my God, I have to wake up tomorrow, damnit. One thing I hate more than just waking on my own, because at least that is on my body's accord, and it's an independent feat of masochism, is being woken by others in almost all circumstances. God, that is just the worst. Don't interpret that as me saying "Oh I HATE when my boyfriend wakes me", that just isn't what I am saying and I would HOPE my dear reader here (L0L) has the common sense to know that, it's more the awakeness being forced upon me I dislike, When it is him, I find it tolerable, mostly, even under sleep deprivation like last night (I'm talking about the stupid passing out maybe 25 times midst conversation I did where I continuously mumbled "I'm awake" exceedingly angrier each time.. That would be an outliar. Sorry) My point is nobody else has any good reason in MY head to wake me up. Sleep's good! I actually sleep very little, in spite of that. I care very little when I am the one KEEPING myself awake, as in a month's time it will all be fixed regardless, but you have to die young if it's the summertime and staying up until 8 am "nightly" is opportune, and it certainly is. Live a little. Shrug. What else has happened today that is at all worth writing about.. Last night, I stayed up for nearly an hour and a half longer than I promised myself I would, placing the time I fell asleep at around 12 PM because I was very focused on researching. I put my time towards fueling the fire that is my curiosity on mass murderers, go figure, everything about me, and I studied Roof, Auvinen, and Tarrant. My favorite of the trio was Auvinen, Pekka has always held my curiosity, though I could say they all do interest me; Tarrant follow secondly. They were all long articles, holding valuable information I looked into meticuously, to be expected, they have a lot of media coverage around them, I do like smaller cases, too, though. My aunt went grocery shopping and that excited me, enough it helped wake me, it had been a little over three weeks since she had and she got me my very important, bizarre grocery requests. Flax seed, sugar-free strawberry preserves, my specific ice cream I like. So on, and so forth. I think that my enjoyment of things marketed to have low sugar contents in context to.. Prior circumstance, at best, is a little suspicious seeming, but to be dead honest, self-imposed food restriction factored in or not, I enjoy the bizarre chemical-reminiscent taste of artificial sugars, though they may scare me a bit. Fruits and vegetables, primarily vegetables, I also prefer for everything about them. Really, that is all I can think of notably today. I was considering drinking tonight, but, I prefer alcohol on an empty stomach as to not vomit everything up and it is far more potent when there's no food to absorb it. The harder it hits, the better. I'll just drink tomorrow, or something. This entry went on a lot longer than I would have liked it to, and, I may have said I'd keep it shorter, but I think this is actually longer. Whatever, at least I tried. I was excited to write today, knowing I was able to. I actually freed up space, I deleted a part of this stupidly large paragraph, so you can imagine how much I fucking talk. For now, that'll be all. To update what I said in my last entry, music does help, as I have known. It felt pretty nice to have music in the back of this stupid drabble. Will either check back tomorrow, or leave this untouched for like.. Two weeks, lmao. Pretty decent entry over-all, though.
BUH-BYE!
Last updated: 8/6/24 8:20 PM
Update, I think. I think in context to whether this will actually work, I am not previewing anything as I usually would and the code is organic because I have spent yet another day going through the trials and tribulations of CSS/HTML/Java. What a nightmare. We will see! As of right now, to give decent reply as a follow-up to my previous entry, I have had all of the alcohol I promised I would. Technically, it is two days in advance rather than one, so, take that, odd self-concious part of myself that is bordering on insecurity towards what he writes, private or not. An update is an update. Continuing off of what was said prior, yes, I have consumed all of the alcohol I had to my name, particuarly recently as-well, taking into account it's been around an hour and a half since I downed all three teensy little shots as though they were water. I would like to believe I did, anyway, as I want the pride of knowing I am 'good at drinking', whatever that realistically amounts to. Alcohol has never been particuarly difficult going down, not until now, at-least, which my subconcious holds in high regard when comparing me to others, as apparently, most dislike the taste of vodka. Right now, I shamefully resign from my place of superiority, as I was dryheaving getting it all down from the fact it was one, room temperature and positively disgusting and two, the quantity of which I consumed in a short period of time. Three shots in five minutes undoubtedly, according to the input of myself and nothing more, is not much, but to couple that with the last time I drank I had a little over half a bottle in 10. With that in mind, I would say I tolerate the discomfort hard liquor inevitably does harbor going down fairly well, but this time, like I said, I relinquish my ego so I may say it was hell on earth. Not by taste, and I could even extend the argument, it's not by dislike towards alcohol of any sort, vodka has held it's title as my favorite for a while, but I am.. Delicate when it comes to temperature and overall consistency of whatever I may consume, as well as a held notion that aftertaste influences your enjoyment of any beverage, and all of it was room temperature from sitting out for three days. The aftertaste was unneccesarily strong in addition to the undesirable temperature, that would be my bad, so it made for a far from enticing experience over-all. Now that that has all gone down, followed by a small fit of near vomiting less than a minute afterwards and the treat of having a Dr. Pepper as incentive, I believe myself to be in better spirits aside from a wobble while standing. Comporably better than the last time I had anywhere near this much vodka, as that is when I cracked my phone and persuaded those around me into blindly thinking it was sleep deprivation in-part with malnutrion, what fucking idiots they were to actually FOLLOW that, but I find myself cohesive enough to write in this document and manually input the tags that would make a new document without checking constantly that it will work through the help of a mark-up preview page for reassurance, I consider that a positive. One downside to tonight/this morning's whole ordeal is that I am quite nauseaous, I have not eaten in 24 hours now, the last thing I consumed was intentionally dense however, oatmeal to keep me full and possibly play a part in convience regarding mitigating my drunkenness, but in retrospect I realize it to be stupid and inefficient towards any alcohol absorbtion I believed it could help in. In my defense, I did just want oatmeal too, though, so you can't call me stupid for cooking for myself. Another newly-found negative is my lack of memory retention, albeit to be expected, that is making this exceedingly difficult to write and keep cohesive despite the endless amount of time I hold to continue it. I have all the in the world to write, and right now I am the opposite of busy, I am sitting on the phone with my lover in almost silence(Hello, Reb....), realistically meaning I should have no probleem with this, but every few sentences I have to go and read over what I have written, and I am not sure, even with my methodical recounting that this will be all to sensical when I am sober. The silence, although partial, I find to be a positive in getting this all out, I focus better whether inebriated or not with silence my muse, or music ambient I can tune it out and have my headspace centered around what is in-front of me. Focusing on my surroundings, or, realistically any sort of task at-hand placed directly infront of me, is difficult enough when sober, so of course, with a spinning room and one eye open as I have now to keep my vision focused, I cannot imagine it to be any more cohesive than the minimal effort I fixate on providing normally. I ponder on whether writing music, akin to what was there last time would help, and I also want for some sort of sound other than the occasional small, pleasant conversation I am engaging in right now; I have the Smashing Pumpkins stuck in my head right now, Beautiful to be specific. Expected, but still novel hahahah. I had more I was thinking of in my quote-unquote 'drunken stupor' that seemed to nbe interesting, but, I cannot remember it right now as I seem to be stuck fixing myself on the minute details that are relevant to my current surroundings (Like, "do I have to pee?" "My boyfriend's drawing, what is he making?") more than the big picture, which is messing me up. Another thing, even if small to note that in hindsight should have been more towards the start, any typos at all, WHICH I don't believe there to be any, will be left as-is due to laziness and 'preservations sake', so, if that may lead to you, the individual reading this finding it any amount of illegible (Which, I don't see happening, but, whatever), consider me sufficiently unapologetic, because I really don't care. My blog, my life!! Fuck that, heheheh. Anyways. Nothing notable at all to recount on from today besides what I have already gone over, expected sleep deprivation broken for all of maybe an hour and a half pushing 1:00 AM that went sourly, meaning I have spent 7 hours in the past 72+ resting in total, starvation through-out today for alcohol's sake which means I want to ravish an entire kitchen lolol, extremely insignificant housework and standard leisure-time seen through every day, recently, I have spent coding today, and most importantly, the upcoming weekend that seems to promise actual meaning and time spent favorably. I can call it a boring day. I am going to try and stand again now, as I spent nearly an hour on this and yet I continue to see myself dizzy, so that I can use the bathroom and possibly cook. Next entry, which I assume will be tomorrow off of the frequency I've upheld in maintaining this, I may actually delve into interesting, philosophical-edgelord topics that make me look adequetly moronic as intended and not just drone on about day-to-day's if I make an entry. I'll also probably laugh at this, eventually, if it is stupid and/or incohesive as I expect, in the near future! I am going to go now and hopefully, not fall, bust my ass, and break multiple things with that sentiment in mind. Nothing of this will be edited, so I hope it was enjoyable with whatever context you place it with. Hopefully I get to put on the Goddamn Smashing Pumpkins, gawd I love 'em. Hopefully, next entry is shortER and swifer, too!! Bye.
DK <<-VoDkA->> himself, livin' up to the nickname.
Last updated: 8/8/24, @ 8:26 AM
Look what the cat dragged in. You'd never expect it, I am actually using this for what it is genuinely intended for, pure, sanctimonious self-indulgence and absorbtion. Impressive feat, me. I get to now, not only be angsty and miserable, but I may broadcast it, too. What is new? To quicken things, I have had a HORRIBLE day. When I say horrible, I mean HORRIBLE! GOD!! Slamming doors like an immature child kind of horrible. I am exhausted, as well as overexerted. I have been out/up doing continuous.. Stuff? Vague, but I can't classify all of it as laborious, since 11 AM. I have not sat down until maybe 20 ago, and as of right now, it is 9:31 PM. I have also not slept in over 24 hours, again. I really do need to fix my sleep schedule, if I can allow myself self-awareness for a moment. I don't care, though. For now, in the under a month I have until school starts, I can stay up as much as I want to! And I think that is great. Staying up is the only time I am granted free-time without requesting it, which I will continually refuse to do unless it is something important, and usually whatever I want to do is not. During these breaks in the early morning hours, I usually sit and watch movies, or some stupid shit like that. I work on my website directories, I might draw. Maybe play a game, if I am not too nervous, and I get to listen to music freely. Dull things to pass time and allow myself autonomy in making choices. When I'm awake, I feel like I am constantly being worked, somehow, with little exception. Whatever fucked up deity there stands to be, he has tied a permanant straw sack to my upper body and told me to carry it's weight over my shoulders until I inevitably croak up and die. It's horrendous. When I moved here, just a few months ago, I was looking.. Not exactly upwards, but towards what was just in-front of me with positive inhabitions; It has absolutely not met that. My great expectations imploded inwards to make a little firey ball of piss and shit after they let me out of the Goddamn psychiatric hospital for perceived suicidal ideation that was never present in the first place, not at that time. I started from the top of a downward slope of in all respects what is bad, and I have traversed down a strait of dread and what just seems to be getting worse into the seeming spiral of terrible. It's a sinkhole that holds you in like you are all it has, and you fall further and further until you die. The moment your body droops inwards, there is no longer light visible from the top of anything and all is lost. It gets dark the second you lose your footing, and you only slip further. I have learnt that once, and I am learning it again, yet another ridiculous door down, this time with bigger words to make myself look so serious and respectable, I am a self-aware retard in actuality. More trust that I know this will actually stay private is nice, that's about it. It is a waste to put time into reading a majority of this out of anything aside from plain curiosity, so much has been said that could have been said in shorter, simpler words and I apparently never, ever stop fucking talking, even to myself hahah There was more writing if I think on the last circumstance, more that nobody else is aware of besides me and it is harrowing as well as comforting at the same time. Nobody will ever know what went through my head, but, it also means nobody will ever know the full extent of what there is. I am not heard in full, the contrast weighs itself out... Here and now, this is all there is. Probably all there will be. I don't like paper journals. I wonder if when I swing the next door-knob open I will have the incessant urge to never shut up again. Cliche and edgy or not, I hope to make it out of here soon. This room's starting to bore me and the hallway looks like it goes further on every step I take down it. More than you would believe in the way I primarily fear the future. I know it won't hold anything substantial, not a kid like me. My future holds an oven in a crematorium, I hope. I don't want to be embalmed, nor do I want a funeral. I want my body to sit in a pile of other less significant bits of ash and sinder, so I go out no different than any other person. I can think of one noteworthy person who would attend if there was a funeral held, save for maybe a few insignificant family members out of pity, and said person will probably die with me if we want to be two stereotypical lovers.. Fat chance, I think. This is in more fantasy than anything. I might believe I have the guts to go through with finalizing a suicide, I feel like I want to right now, for example, such is that of a dramatic teenage boy, but others don't, few believe me to be capable of finishing myself off, finding some kinda freedom, and logistically without constant access to a firearm, suicide is less than ideal. Today has been shitty enough to lead me to that conclusion, and that one, and all the other one's I drew that didn't really make sense, basically. This comes with remembering my circumstance.. Writing music works good for this, btw. Ava Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins is an amazing song.. :-) Brings me back deeper into meaningful things, deluded value, I wonder what would wait for me wherever I head after, maybe just darkness and quiet. That wouldn't differ from here all too much, honestly. I think that would just be pacing a few steps across this room instead of exiting and opening a new door, haha. The lights will keep on flickering by whatever corridor may-or-may-not be down there until then. I'll be sure to give this page a great update when I reach that conclusion. I hate working, and I hate leaving the house a lot. That prompts all this, in whole.. I think I am about done, besides wondering how those old symbols still effect my life nowadays, what weird philosphiBULL meaning they really could hold, and how I hope nobody interprets my beliefs as hollow enough to just be dumbed down or simplified as religion, a religion of any kind, my drive is my own religion and contrast does not differentiate that. There's nothing we know to worship besides ones self for certain, and I am too uncreative to say I thought up shapes and lineage to put to these thoughts, more just placing what is applicable.. But excuse the sudden pause, on another topic, that throughout this, I had simple housework to do for even longer and that just gave me further drive to write.. I was gone for 40 GODDAMN minutes when I could have contributed something deeper than I delved and provided any meaning to my words, basis to my surroundings. All I can focus on is how badly I want to go to sleep right now. Despite that, I think this is still the longest word-vomit hard to be considered proper writing I have posted here. That's all there really is to say, cynical and hard to follow provided. I am going the fuck to sleep, for however long I can. Fuck everything
Last updated: 8/12/24, 11:44 at night
Well, well, well. Afuckinggain, am I upset. Unsurprising. Technically six days ago by date, but, five days is all it took... It's pretty hard to top how shitty I've been (don't jinx it, me), but it's fucking SUCKED. Really bad. Everything has, and nothing has gone upwards. It's just stayed neutral, neutral or stagnant, like I'm stuck in limbo, a purgatory for some unknown wrongdoing I cannot go back on leading me to not having the means to progress, either. I can only relive, relive everything. That feels kind of metaphorical for how everything has been, not just in current day, but this whole time, if I think too deep into it. I started these stupid writings two-ish weeks ago with better going for me than I have now, that's for sure. I was taking walks! Big adventure, pat on the back to me. Now I haven't willingly left the house since the last time I wrote, I think. If not longer. I've been dragged out alongside my aunt and her baby, big shocking reveal on what's been troubling me so deeply. I am absolutely beyond miserable over that, and because what isn't there to be absolutely miserable over? What is there? It's a stupid loop that collapses back into itself and eats at it's own skin until the bone rots, and proceeds to regenerate itself back up to scar tissue off the nutrients. I am living the same month over with the same seven sequences of hours for the next year and a half with only decently negative variation and not much else. Call me pessimistic, call me realistic, call me an optimist. I don't care what label you put on it, frankly, I am the one living this shit and I am the one hoping to soon not to, anymore. I have cried almost every day of this, and I think today was the worst day I've had in the span of a full calendar year, and that's including last July and August throughout it, too. The last stupid entry I made, I faulted myself in part for circumstance playing out so shittily and my reaction being even worse, as well as disproportionate; I hadn't slept. This time, I fall flat for an excuse as to why I feel so horrible. I've bawled my eyes to emptiness and rung my tearducts dry throughout less than a quarter of today because I keep fucking EVERYTHING up. New score of pathetic bitchery to cry to, because to be honest, I really did well up in tears like some pathetic fucking toddler over being told the only thing I am good at is "cutting myself and being lazy". That was a first, yeesh! Whatever though, I care little about how this writing will be perceived in particular because privacy is luxury, and it's luxury I have for right now. Me and myself. No more to say, I lost motivation. Fucking miserable, mehh. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and not cry as much.
Last updated: 8/18/24, 2:44 in the AM
More time for bullshit writing, in only a little better spirits than last time, lul. I am absolutely exhausted, for no apparent reason, so, I expect to trail on like a moron. Not that there is really much to update on, but, you know, leave it to me to not quit my bitchin' (irony) and ramble VIA text box. Example being right there. Anyway, little has happened in the span of a week. I have cooked a lot, I normally don't go out of my way to, I am a better baker, but we don't have much for fresh produce in the house currently, meaning I cannot just slice up vegetables and eat that. Due to not physically feeling very good for the past week, which has inconvenienced me greatly, I have been eating more which has driven me insane. Eating like a "normal person", or, over-eating, is the worst thing in the fucking world, and as of today I feel the best I have. I'm ought to not eat so much, now. I think I'm slipping into a depressive episode over how soon school is starting. 10 days isn't that bad sounding. I like the thought of that more than I would eating disgusting things, and I will actually look like 'myself', whatever that means. Hmm, that brings me to think about how little excersize I got playing DDR this week. I went to stay at my other aunt's house for two days, a few cities away, and she took me to an arcade with a mediocre "DDR" (actually pump-it-up) machine, which I used for maybe a total of 50 minutes and played low BPM songs. I don't just play for athletic purposes, it's a genuinely very fun game, but I would rather feel accomplished after, and I did not get to. It was a boring trip, plainly. Watched some of Lost Highway while I was there, too, and from what I remember of it, it was really great. I phrase it like that because I was falling asleep the entire duration I sat through, I need to rewatch a majority of it so I can finish it on my own time. Very uneventful time there. I did, however, get alcohol out of not being home, which was great! I got almost an entire 750 ml bottle of SMIRNOFF to have to myself. Expectedly, my alcohol of choice is vodka yet again. Is anybody surprised? I had a majority of it last night, meaning I probably have 3-ish shots left, I will eventually get to that. I was so buzzed I passed out, it was kind of ridiculous, but, I had the time of my fucking life for as long as I was awake, and what I remember. Indigo spent the whole time getting stupid, embarrassing secrets outta me I would've never let onto otherwise, but I really don't care. I care a little more about the fact I had an actual hangover, maybe that's why I'm as tired as I am? I was so fucking nauseous all day today, and my HEAD. I should have dranken on an empty stomach rather than as I did, not have been a fatass, usually I don't feel sick after I do. I have gotten to drink the most this past month than I have ever before in my life. Being hungover for the first time meant that I got to nap the stomach ache away for a lot of today, which was pretty solid. However, I officially "woke up" at 7 PM, which was significantly less awesome. So much for trying to fix my sleep schedule, but who gives a damn. Sometimes I find it hard to take myself seriously reading over the shit I say online, what I write out about myself, or really anything else. I am the biggest fucking hypocrite in the whole world, and it kind of haunts me, it's always sitting at the back of my mind. I go on about how I hate LARPers, how I hate selfish people, how I am just full of hatred, but there's nobody I hate more than myself. In less of a depressive way, more spiteful. I am aware of myself in that I know I look like an edgelord, I know how ridiculous I seem, the things that I like and the way that I talk, but I cannot bring myself to be any different than how I am. It is so unfortunately authentic. I've never liked myself, not then and not now, and I am constantly finding reasons why not to. I prove my own point with nearly everything I say, and I will never actually do anything about it, either, not until I eventually blow my brains out of my skull. I'm indefinitely sandwiched between hatred and love for who I am until then. I am similar to others in a lot of ways, there are times that it is very easy for me to make a comparison about myself to another person, but that does nothing apart from frustrate me. I hate others, maybe just as much as I hate myself, because I hate social interaction and I have built a false hierarchy in my own head I sit atop of that constantly tells me how different everybody else is from me, how unlikable they are in ways I don't see in myself, because they're different people, but then there are bits and pieces distinct enough I can call them negatives that I see in myself, which makes me hate me more. I think that I project a large piece of that onto my misanthropy, why I single out certain groups of people under certain labels that disgust me, and the fact I am knowing of that but refuse to change forces me to circle back. When I mentioned "above others", talking about the hierarchy earlier, it wasn't in the sense I am better, I am just a seperate piece I know the most about that places me outside of the categories. People are all countless rings making up a large circle, placed together meticuously to look like a solid whole when in reality there are small gaps between each layer. You close in far enough, and you reach the center of those people, that large shape, and you see what it's all made up on, the intimate parts of a society and what we outcast the most, the everything that molds those people together. Those are why the circle looks whole, but the ones nobody is willing to acknowledge off of controversy and a need to delude themselves into thinking they live under one large solid with no free space or imperfections. Those at the center usually do have status, maybe they're higherups or whatever of society, but they don't have to be. They are also usually the most "corrupt". Think politicians, pedophiles, et. cetera. The furthest out are those who are the most out of touch with reality, the ones furthest from society and closest to leaving it, those who understand more, and they may even be out there by choice. Anything that steps out of bounds from this is dead, as you would have to be dead to seperate yourself from these loops, those in the center knotted everything together fairly tightly. They skate furthest against the walls enclosing all of these rings, and the walls are only far out, around the outside edges with the rest of what is encased in them spiraling inwards on itself to maintain stability. One notable person who I can think of who was brushing against the walls before he died was Theodore Kaczynski. He had good theories, for the most part, and was able to seperate himself from society an admirable amount. Me saying this doesn't mean I want to do anything similar to the unabomber, to be as lucid as possible, his mind strays from mine, but it's difficult not to think of him and say he had brilliant ideals. The placings inside that largescale circle are not linear, and you can traverse further in, or out, at any time in my eyes, but your average teenager on the internet sits ignorant in the middle with no intent to move forward or stray out of that, but they claim they do, and that irritates me. They want to progress in life, which is just crawling further into that circle, and that is ridiculous and contradictory to me. They're not moving in or out, they are stagnant in their ring of what is too vast for them to comprehend, and they are just moving 'forward' inside in regard to their own life without going up or down, on their personal X axis. It varies which definite placement they are at, and any attempt to conceptualize what this actually looks like is futile because it is.. Well, large and difficult to jot out, but it is meant to be more of an idea than anything with visuals, I believe that would ruin it. With these sections and loops I have put thought into, there is one for every type of person, they are nested inside larger ones more visible to the naked eye, which only multiply and fit into bigger ones, until you eventually find yourself imagining the circle plainly. The thing that makes it false are the gaps between each one. Writing it all out, I wonder where I sit in there. It's a tight squeeze to find yourself anywhere at all, surrounded by others, but I would say I am far out and not under the influence of others. I am not special, I am hardly different, which is why I don't make the claim I am brushing against the walls of it. I am unfortunately, very encultured, but I am self aware and that differs me. It is also why social interaction is so difficult, I always end up finding somewhere I can apply a person to, and I lose interest when they're in too deep, they are lost in my eyes if they do not change. That loops around to what I was thinking of, earlier, about being a hypocrite. I act very similarly to some of those who are lower hanging fruit, down in it all. The only thing that seperates them from me in my mind is how fully I have fledged out my thoughts, and upon observing how they act, it is all one dimensional and they have not. I only wish I didn't think so much, but if I didn't put so much thought into it just now, I would have never been able to write it all out. My hands are kind of cramping, admittedly. I am tired. I am also scared of going back to school, 11th grade sounds dreadful and I will be at a public school for the first time in 3 years. I acknowledge that as.. Probably why I am thinking so deeply into my strange concept, I think I will call that the whole, as that sounds applicable. It's that, knowing I will be surrounded by those coersed into being stuck in the centerfold, they will dislike me and find me as strange as everybody else I speak with, and further, knowing I have spoken with a lot of new people recently. I made a Tumblr, hahah. I got bored, and I wanted to post some stupid cake I made a few weeks ago, which people liked. There have been mixed reactions to my presence on there, and I have circled back to my esoteric horseshit excuse of an ideology every time I have interacted with a stranger head-on and found it to resonate. I know three people, y'know who included, that reside there, and they're all pleasant to speak to. One person, somebody hiding under anonymity has been speaking to me a small bit, and they seem to be closer to the outside than most, which is promising. One is going to be short-lived, but, they act enough like myself I have been messaging with them and it is a breath of fresh air, whether egotistical or not. They are.. Okay, in my mind. The other is Smig, which I wonder where he is, and then, obviosuly, the man, the myth, the legend, Reb. Lol. The thought of him is why I even got into writing all of what I just did, irony, I know. I thought about how by calling him that, we both look like the ridiculous internet teenagers I think can go eat shit, and I only thought from there. I also thought about how much I like him, and how far out he is, which makes him very desirable. Those who are tend to be very mysterious by first glance, and I would call some of them interesting, like him. They can also be intimidating, good or bad, before I gain comfortability in speaking with them, which yet again, who else would that be? Aside from Reb, curse my stupid agoraphobia (kind of) for making me intimidated by anyone, under any circumstance. I'm real glad I know him well enough that I'm not so nervous and retarded anymore, I would be doomed if I were. I am not a spiritual person, at all, by the way, regarding all of what I wrote before. There's no God, no angels and demons, or any weird ghosts leaving you signs, in my eyes. Sometimes I find it funny to pretend there is, though. I believe odd things, but I believe them literally. I can't think of any exceptions to that, and I also cannot think of anything else to write, I feel like I just wrote an entire novel and I covered everything there was to possibly think of, so I am updating my site and going to sleep. After that, who knows. 'Kay, bye. Being all kewl about it, this time. Oppa poser style. Nighty night. <<-VoDkA->>
Last updated: 8/25/24 @ 3:12 AM.
Yaaawn. Wie Gehts, Guten Abend. Haha, jeyeah. I haven't written anything on here in a while! I figured I'd treat myself to an update, an update while I'm not sitting upon a pile of shit built up beneath me that life's bestowed upon myself. I'm pretty alright! Let's knock on wood there, but, things have been fine. I can only really say "fine." That's what it is. Hmmm, let me think. The good, the bad, and the ugly. All the contrast the whole world has to offer, and then a median. Third party voter. The bad, my grandmother is back in the hospital, just because the world decided to throw that at me for the fuck of it. She's bleeding internally and has lost all function of her, um, bodily functions to not get too gross ontop of the cancerS. Yeah. Two different kinds, possibly three, which is being checked out by some kidney specialist lab-coat wearing freak right now, who knows. That's the whole goddamn reason I don't live with my parents anymore, which kinda pushes me to another thing. With not knowing if she's making it outta the hospital this time, I don't think I'm ever going 'home' (nawt that it really mattered, I'm getting real comfortable where I am, but that still kind of sucks.) I was supposed to start school sooner, I actually thought I'd be writing this entry quite a bit sooner, but the way things work is a mystery. I brought up not going home because that is related to school starting. Moving halfway across the fucking state, practically, means the enrollment process took a lot longer and my nerves have been shot. I'm so goddamn stressed out over that. Public school for the first time in three whole years, woohoo. Ten days and some change later, here I am. It's a sunday night, and tomorrow, I start my fIrSt day of eleventh grade officially. Two weeks after everyone else. I cannot say I'm particuarly excited, but, I dunno. Maybe it won't be HOE. I HOPE it won't be. Other teenagers are so shitty, you come to find out. Everyone is so shitty, actually, I take that back. The point is still valid, though. More of a 'yes, and' deal. My relatives suck, that's s'more bad, a whole lot. My aunt especially. She can kiss my fucking ass, and there's really not much more I have to elaborate on with that. I just don't like women! Most of them, that is. All of do them make up the female race which has gone on to wrong me throughout living as a whole, though it's not pessimisi-moping time, so I will get over that for now and detail my misogyny another day. My sleep schedule has mostly fixed itself, which is nice, and I will probably go to sleep in about an hour and a half, maybe two hours, but I know I cannot be up super late. What I'm saying is, I can't write too, too much this time. Eventually, this site will have an audience at some point, which I find interesting. An audience of maybe one or two people in passing, but, still an audience. I wonder how those who follow me online will feel knowing I really am not as articulate, or kool, or really anything as I make myself out to be, or they make of me in their heads from how I type. Probably not particularly surprised. I also got permanently banned off of Roblox, which SUCKS! Oh well. I guess the last thing "bad" I can really think of. My main Tumblr... Also got banned! I am just getting terminated from social platforms left and right. It's really not much to mope over, I know, boo-hoo, but that was still shitty of them to do. How dare you try and get rid of me off your platform, amirite? Lul. It matters very little in particular, though, because I came back still and have already managed three hundred followers again. Good job me. Something good, let me think. There's kind of a lot. If I wanna keep it brief, I GOT A FUCKING CAT! Her name is Lucy, and she's this teensy little calico kitten, about twelve or thirteen weeks old now, who is just clingy to no end. I love her to death, but, I really have never seen an animal attach itself to me like she has. She follows me everywhere, and cries when I'm gone for more than twenty minutes with no exaggeration. Clingy, and vocal. She climbs me every time I get anywhere near her, resulting in my whole body being littered with claw marks, and she screams at me in the most truthful way to use that word until I pet her. I love that girl, but, my boyfriend not so much. He cannot STAND the noise she makes. I just think it's funny. A little bit out of chronological order with my retellings of the past two weeks, sure, but you have to bare with me here; I went to a record shop a few days after leaving my last entry here, and it was very fun, aside for scraping my knee badly enough it is still healing. I stayed for about thirty minutes, looked at everything there was to offer there, and then I ditched the place. Interesting time over-all. They had Rammstein, and a Skinny Puppy CD I could not afford, so sadly, I left empty handed. Oh well. I have watched a good amount of movies since I last wrote! I have been enjoying movies recently, of course, and I have seen Lolita, American Psycho, Fight Club and just before I started on this entry, NBK again in the span of these two weeks. I loved each and every one of them. I figured I would end my "summer" officially off on Natural Born Killers, as I watched it at the very start of the summer, too, so I tried to keep some form of routine going. Tradition's sake, or whatever. Speaking of tradition.. Hahahahha. Of course, I planned on mentioning this, but, 9/11 obviously came and passed while I hadn't updated. That was something. I celebrated, of course, why wouldn't I? Vodka for Vodka, and a Dr. Pepper... Also, I guess I relistened to The Downward Spiral, and Xtort. Stereotypical, I know. Happy Birthday to me... Anyways! I'm currently staying at my (other) aunt's house, for current goods, which is nice because it's very small and nice here, better than my other aunt's, and the shower is much larger. I think I had the best shower of my life last night, seriously. She got me pumpkin pie to have, I enjoyed that very thoroughly, but I think I will be here for about a week which somewhat sucks. There is no transportation for me to get to school from my REAL house, across the state, so for now I'm walking from here each morning. Good exercise, or whatever. Being here also means more time alone, as my aunt is at work 90% of the day, which is overjoying. Her pet cat is a plus, too. The last pleasant thing I can think of is Smig came back! The Tumblr anon conversations before I was banned were fun and all, I guess, but I found speaking to him to be of particular enrichment. I know what's up with him now as well, and of course, despite the amount of thoughts I hold on it all, I am still refusing to put the poor guy's information out there because that's just weird. You will never get to know any of it, dear reader. All that is needed to know regardless is that I feel very bad for him. Nothing else has particularly gone on that is WORTH talking about, maybe I could say debilitating psychosis, coding, a stupid stomach bug that's been around. I dunno. It's more or less nothing NOTEWORTHY that I mean, so, I will end it here. Your willingness to read this all is appreciated, whoever you may be. I am aware of my ability to talk a lot. I will be awake again in 7 hours after this, and as for when I'll update again, who knows. If anything important happens, I can jot out some thoughtz. Maybe I won't have to say everything was shitty and unfortunate after school's went and gone, and the whole job thing is sorted out. Or maybe I'll make myself look like a pathetic son of a bitch again. That's to be determined. I'll end this on saying my first class tomorrow is comp-sci, and I could say that sounds like fun. LaterZ... G'night.
VoDkA
Last updated: 9/15/24 at 11:14 in the evening.
Here I am again, a month and some change later. I told myself I would write, I told myself I would gather the energy to, but I haven't. There is hardly much to talk about. Writing about myself usually entails documenting some stuff that's gone on on the outside, but when nothing interesting has really happened outside of my own thoughts, then I draw a blank. Not that all too much of what I have put here is interesting anyhow, but, with the ability to form conscious thought, you go insane without expressing it outwardly. Let's start with the inside of the outs, stupid bullshit I think about. Recently, I have actually spent a good amount of time doing exactly that. I don't stop thinking. A part of me wishes that there was something, not somebody, out there understood me. I am a flame. I combusted years ago, and have sizzled out just enough I crackle against the glass of the candle and make whistles into the air around me. People claim I'm silent, because they watch me spark and flicker from far away. The movement interests them, but they know if they get too close, they will end up burnt. They observe the movement with little regard until it gets hot enough around me the glass cracks, which only then do they worry, but by the time the shards hit the floor I have been put out and there are only ashes left over. What I am to do with that knowledge, what anybody else is to do with that knowledge is far from my concern. I know that, and I thrive off of inaction, which is something that I know as well. I spend so much time doing so much of nothing. I could not tell you what has been going on with me, recently. I am a cacophany of internal conflict and internal quiet. When I said my previous life was mundane, I didn't know what mundane actually was, it was only plain. Everything else for me has been mundane recently. I don't feel like complaining a whole lot, really, that's not what I'm in the mood to do, but believe me when I say shit has been boring. School, school, and more school. I went home after a month of being out of my own (my aunt's) house, when I thought it would be a week, so I could say I am relatively satisfied regarding that. Sleeping in a bed again is nice, I'm considerably happy to be back in my own residence. I've met a couple kids, but obviously, nobody has really clicked, they never do. I don't really think that I mind it, to be honest. My problem surrounding socialization isn't that people find me dislikeable, rather I do them. Slight, unimportant, minute variety person to person is unamusing, redundant and exhausting. Nobody you will meet face to face in the modern day is all that interesting, and fat chance that they will intentionally try and vary themselves. Isolation suits me well when I am occupied with decent occupations. Not a lick of what I've had for work has been engaging, unfortunately, and I have BSed my way through half of it. Enough I have straight A+s. My report card for the quarter came in, and my parents met with all of my teachers, who all had nothing but nice, schmucky things to say about me. I'm a "good student" with a "good work ethic" and "pleasant participation in class", a "joy to have in the classroom" and all else what people describe average teenagers as because they get paid to. My work ethic is decent at best, pretty obviously, as I am now facing midterms. My sociology midterm is due on Thursday, and I have one slide done out of probably around 11+. Computer science, I have a little less than 2 weeks until it's completely late to finish a very basic platform game, algebra I am flying through pretty decently, and, French, my teacher is seemingly head over heels for the amount of work I put forward. I have a 4 project-project to do for that class, which really sucks, but look at me getting through it. 45% of it is Google translated nothingness. I don't find myself concerned over it, though, I still know enough of the language and I would rather not switch to fucking Latin. I just don't particularly like the lady. I don't care for my Compsci teacher, either, but that is because he's an asshole who made me work the entirety of the term despite other teachers cutting me a little slack. Seriously, man? I'm not super worried about classes. Even if I average out as a B-C student by the end of the year, which I probably will, I'm satisfied. I am more worried about the PSAT, which is in a week. You would not believe how excited I am, seriously. I'm shaking like a leaf at the though of getting anything under a 1000. Grades are somewhat important to me, I came to find out, and despite me saying "I'm satisfied with a B or C', I've been on time with every single assignment up until now. I was out sick all of the week before this past week, I had a terrible fever (103) because of some stupid virus, which has thrown me way off because of course, I didn't work that entire time, why would I, and now I am here crunching at an hour and a half before midnight. Crunching by... Procrastinating to write this. Three pretty decent-sized assignments to load onto myself, the biggest test of my 11th grade career, and a state test all in the same 14 day span. Of course, since school started, my sleep schedule has been fucked over again, but who's to fault for that? I have to at least get the French project halfway done before tomorrow morning, so when I'm done writing, I'll probably see to doing that. Did I mention I also have to shower tonight? No problem by me, of course, I love being clean, but my weird, excessively hygenic shower-routine (not to boast) takes around an hour and a half to two hours if I blowdry my hair so it isn't all disgustingly textured and ethnic-looking. I hate it when my hair is curly. I sound like a sissy, sure, but it doesn't suit my face at all. I need another haircut again, soon, even if I got one a month ago. My third all-nighter this past month, this time with an okay amount of caffeine so I don't lose my doggamned mind. I will also light up a cig tonight, even if I just got over the worst sore throat of my life, because I have a whole pack of cigarettes to myself for the first time. I sounded like a horror movie character a week ago from now, seriously. That makes me think of something else I'm excited for, Halloween. Ooh. Not that there's much to say about it, but I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday, the next being Christmas. I'm gonna be a hamster, which I won't shut the fuck up about to anybody, and to my own defense, I think it's pretty cool(stupid). Candy usually isn't something I go out of my way to eat, especially seeing as a majority of chocolate has eeeevil dAiRy mIlK in it, but I won't lie and say the idea of chocolate doesn't sound great. Aside from that and whatever the hell else school has done for me, the hell on earth I was expecting really hitting me hard, you know, I started watching Breaking Bad, and Better Call Saul. Both are pretty good, and I tend to not care for TV, so that's surprising. I really like Saul. A new way to spend my time when I'm not working my ass off, lul! Another negative, something that was getting me through the change in scenery, the cat that we adopted only a month ago, we're already getting rid of her. I was told that when I came back home she would be gone, and while that technically is not the full truth, she will be gone Wednesday afternoon. However, in exchange for that, something nice to look forward to, I am getting a hamster finally. I am thinking that I will name it Mr. Business, regardless of its status as a Mr. or a Ms. When there is an up, there is a down. As above, so below, in the words of my most favorite prophet, good sir Proxy, even if I'm certain I am misusing that. I think that I might cut class third period tomorrow, for the second time, so I can walk around and do whatever the hell with some kid I like a little more than the rest of the ones I've met. Nothing like a '97 mission, granted, but it still doesn't sound that boring. That being the pinnicle of what I find to be worthy of looking forward to recently is telling. I have gone to some record store, the same one twice since I last wrote, but that is kind of it for any crazy, fun adventures, Vodka-style. I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over. I'm in an unpleasant slump. I'm contradicting myself, as I am known to do, but, the whole eating problem that is more of a self-image problem has emerged again, and that has spiraled me into unsavory self hatred. What is unsavory self hatred when tied to me besides a constant, though? Inertia. It's times like this where I would start going on about how I am hoping to find surrender in the halcyon once everything blows over, I'm absent from my surroundings, or at least no longer here, and I can breathe far away from everything else, ("No more ZoMbIeS!!11!1!", way to go, Vodka! Really creative. I say, as I am yet again listening to Nine Inch Nails while writing, does it ever end up any different?), but I also realize in times like this that is my signal to close my goddamn laptop screen and stop writing so I don't string out a text box full of nothingness, so I think I'll end that here. This could be summarized in a lot fewer words, I could cut it down to three simpler ones, I hate everything. Five, if I feel particularly brazen, I hate everything. What's new? Nice to get to write again. I should have had more to say a month later, but the next update will probably come in similar timing. Unremorsefully,unapologetically, goodnight. I'm sure that this was time consuming to read. P.S, absurd thought, but, I love The Downward Spiral a lot. Saying that makes me look like an Ethan Miller copycat, I learned about his case recently, and that was interesting. Buh-bye. VoDkA
Last updated: 10/20/24, at 11:20 PM at night.
Hallo, wieder! Einen Monat und vier tage. I am back. Crazy, I know. Keeping to my succession, updating monthly after August, or whatever. It’s me, again. In this month that has passed, you have missed a lot, so I promise that this will be interesting, as well as a little short. Chronologically? I’m not quite sure. Lucy is officially gone from here, meaning I have two cats now, oh well. I ended up both simultaneously very famous, and very infamous on Tumblr, which I have little thoughts on, besides “Oh, wow, people know me by my username”, and “People in the TCC are /SENSITIVE/, jeez!” which are both unsurprising in retrospect. To put it in “layman’s terms”, I got canceled for some stupid rape joke, oh well, you people should have seen that and more coming just from my hate page I have on here alone, so people were to say the very least, losing their mind over what I said for about two weeks before it died down, yet people are still parasocially fascinated with me. They want Tumblr user “Klebald” in many, many ways, I guess, heheh. I applaud myself on both my creativity in my username, and creativity in my wording regarding the reason for my “cancellation”; I am very funny! I could kiss myself on the lips, if I were a different person, right now. It went little to nowhere, and I regret very little, if not nothing, in the words of the postal dude. What an idol on life advice. I look retarded for saying that, though nonetheless, it holds true. If it isn’t somewhat obvious by my poor wording, I am a little bit drunk. I had a few uncounted shots of vodka today and I’m peaking at where I should be, so I apologize for my assumed coherence now, if any at all. I am trying my very best! Whatever I was saying before. Gawd, my memory is awful right now. What more to update on in the online world? I’m not sure. This only halfway counts, though, something large, me and ‘Herr Proxy’, A.K.A Proxycake, Indigo, Reb, War, however you may know him, we’re not a thing anymore. I broke up with him 9 days ago today, last Friday, out of… No offense if you happen to read this… but, sheer disinterest in dating. It was as I had phrased it to him, the same as I will phrase it here. I do not want to be in a romantic relationship right now! Too many confines, too little freedom. I have been hanging out with that same kid I mentioned in my last entry, the one I said I will hang out with the morning after I wrote what I had written, and it turns out he is a lot more than just what I described him as. I won’t go into much detail, obviously, he’s got his own life as I have mine, but, we are pretty good friends and I think that he is pretty fawking cool! That doesn’t exactly relate to what I had said about me and Proxy breaking up, but, I think that it was important to mention in contrast, or whatever. Not to mention the freedom in doing that. It turns out, it has been every day for the past couple of weeks, it wasn’t just that one day like I had said I planned out, and I have enjoyed every second of that. The guy is fun! I got him on TCC Tumblr after I had gotten cancelled, he found the jokes I had been making to be funny, and we had our fun on there for a short time. The “TCC” is apparently somewhat interesting to him, and he likes D&E, or whatever, in his words, I consider that to be awesome. We also watched Zero Day together! I find him fun because he encourages me using every substanxce under the sun while also using them with me, and who doesn’t think that to be fun, both hence why I am drunk right now, because of our surprisingly shared mindset, and because he is just plain cool, most importantly. We have been smoking a cigarette every day after lunchtime, despite me “promising I would quit” to Proxy. Live fast, die young, or whatever. Cigarettes feel nice, I feel nice right now, I haven’t smoked all day, sadly. I am a fucking liar on stuff that I shouldn’t be! If you are reading this, you know who, thanks for smoking with me, man. I wanna keep at that. Nicotine is one of the world’s best feelings, and for what it’s worth, I love cancer sticks about as much as I love fri-fricking-day night. Not to get sentimental, though, it’s whatever. We share opinions, too, like I had said before, though on what I won’t say as much. Just know it means there is more to agree upon, and besides “Ramirez”, which is his bullshit Tumblr name, I won’t call the kid much else – Me and ‘Ramirez’ agree upon a lot of unconventional things, however. That makes for hanging out to be pretty great. We trick-or-treated on Halloween together, which was nice, I was Walter White and he was Jesse (don’t worry, I was still also a hamster later on in the evening, which I got candy for, my gloating about what an awesome costume that was was not in vain), but some girl I don’t exactly care for who I will not name drop on here came along who doesn’t share the same opinions as us, which made some of it kind of lame. Ah, well. She’s an okay person! That is also who I lied to both Proxy and my aunt about being with this weekend, and I am admitting to that on here because of liquid courage. I slept over at his house this Friday, and yesterday, as well, which was Saturday, although unfortunately, I had to go home today. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy myself. Despite what you would presume to be misery between me and Proxy’s breakup, I have been extremely content with life, and mostly used what happened between him and I as an excuse to get out of things, as well as receive more than what I usually do. I consider it a net positive, seeing as shit has been so great. It also meant I got to do more this week! Such as homework. To word it as I would have originally, considering the small amount of hurt that it had inflicted on me, because yes, I am not entirely emotionless, two and a half years spent surrounded by one and one person alone slipping through my fingers does bare quite the impact after all, it had felt like me shamelessly trying to fill the wound like it's a mucusing bullet hole I was stuffing full of an excess of tissues and letting fuse to the rotting, sticky fat a few inches deep in there — Enough it stung to both ignore what's there and to rip them from the adipose they are clinging onto, however, in both circumstances the wound was avoidable, didn't need half as much treatment, wound up inflamed from the shitty excuse of attention (Seriously, any doctor in the world would get arrested for malpractice doing that!), and was self-inflicted in the first place. There was a time it hurt, and now it doesn’t. I have larger ‘worries’, short-term as per usual. Speaking of which, the terribly unfortunate, school being just about the worst that I have going for me, school has gone completely well. I have a 4.0 GPA that I am very proud of, I am a straight A student, and I finished the quarter (as well as almost the semester) with A+’s. Good job, Vodka! I did quite alright on my midterm that I was terribly worried about last entry, and regarding my PSAT, I got a 1030, which is terribly average, however, still a good enough grade I could clal myself passing. I have very little to worry about in school. Things are much, much, much easier. Whoopee. I am not sure what else I could possibly say about my personal life that is not online, besides circling around to the copious amounts of substance abuse I have partaken in. I have smoked a whole lot of cigarettes recently, which is turning my snot black and making me occasionally spit the same color, though, I am not overly worried about it, and I do not plan to quit anytime soon, as I had promised prior. I also got so high on Friday night that the world around me faded in and out from crappy 90’s TV graphics to 2d yet again, meaning that I have been smoking more weed, and I had vodka after that. More or less, for better or for worse, I am trying everything under the sun out of free will and having the time of my life with it. Substances, risky decisions, et cetera. I lost my virginity, too, heheh. Elliot Rodger would hate me even more now! What a shame, knowing I had the teenage lifespan’s biggest experience, the accomplishment right at my feet. If “Herr Proxy” ever sees this, far in the future, there is only a 50% chance it’ll be mentioned, which I find funny. I am single now, so, who cares? It was great. Not to say to what, how far, or with who, nobody will ever get that out of me, though, it is known that I enjoyed myself, and that is what is most important. All in all, everything to have been enjoyed has been savored thoroughly. I am admittedly writing this in a Google doc due to my inability to tell if I am coherent enough in my base code, which means I can see everything that I am writing, and I can tell this is probably the worst entry I have put on here, fuck. I am sure this will be unpleasant to read, and if so, I apologize only a little bit; Know that it means I have been having fun. Cranberry juice is a good chaser! Word of advice, if you want to feel like a pretty little white girl, try vodcran. It’s okay, in my book. Vodka on its own is much better. What else? I guess the fact that Thanksgiving is coming up, Halloween has passed, I already got my crappy milk chocolate bars, which means family time, family time that I dread, though that is arbitrary now due to one, me not going to see my family this Thanksgiving, and two, how little I find myself concerned over it now. I see it as one big chance to flaunt myself as the fat, retarded American I am, and eat a whole bunch for a day, yay to both of those, somewhat. I phrase it so pessimistically because I have thought of yet another recurring muse of mine brought back into my life, anorexia. I fasted for six days before drinking on Friday, so, in combination to the movies that I am not sure that I have mentioned, I am sorry (somewhat) if I have, and the amount of “poison” I have put into my body, I am back to old habit. Anorexia is fun, what can I say? Certain someones are catching onto that, and those certain someones circle me back to what I have said before; The phrasing of that (and this) brings me full circle, I may also spend Thanksgiving with him, to add to the blow. Friendsgiving, you may say. You-know-who, thou who is truthfully unnamed, ‘Ramirez’, knows of my starving habits. He knows of a lot of other things, too, to be truthful. Smart guy! In short, I would describe him as one of, if not the only truthfully aware person I know, we have had many conversations on the ways that the world works, and to think that I met somebody face-to-face who understands that reproduction is the worst thing the human mind (as well as the body) is capable of is close to what is ideal. A lot has been masochistically fulfilled through what we’ve spoken about, and through conversing so extensively, I know I am not the only one to be aware on this entire earth, but, God, what a chance, amirite? Lulul. I forget where I was going with that, how surprising, good job, V, but, awareness is “nice”, you could argue, and it makes me reflect a lot on myself, even if that is hardly possible in the state that I am in. The room is spinning three times as much as when I wrote that “drunken entry” on 9/11, and any time before that, so a train of thought is not exactly as much present as much as it is relevant to write something compelling. I know that it made me question who or what I am as a person, and I have concluded that I am simply not. I do not do, I do not act, I do not think or perceive as anyone normal may, I simply follow to be one who blends. That has been my philosophy for awhile, and that is how I will continue to see things, for how they are. Living understanding your surroundings and doing anything to fit in as to go undetected is the least human thing possible, I am not like others. I will not refer to myself as “inhuman” out of the obvious thought on how that is incredibly egotistical, as well as untrue, with my need to fulfill, and I may even write a second this month to clarify what I have stated now, though with all that is considered, knowing that I am tired, as well, I stop what I have to say here, before I embarrass myself further with my incoherency. Peace out, or whatever. VoDkA has nothing else to say. It’ll all be too retarded to jot down otherwise. Gute Nacht, to anybody who made a conscious choice to follow through all this. I could only hope it was not too infuriating to try and take in what goes on in the mind of an intoxicated idiot named “Vodka” online. This all comes with the understanding I make little point, I promise. Adios. Couple days from now, you’ll get a better understanding. This has gone on for far too long, anyways. A lot to say, a lot to write, nothing standing there to stop me. For now? You can call this G’bye. <<-VoDkA->>.
Last updated: 11/24/24, im 9:00 PM.
I cannot calm my body. Not a single part of my being is going without some inexplicable tremor right now. Per what was expected, the hAx0r status-quo, I returned to write even more pointless drabble today. Might be a day later than anticipated, but what fun is life without a little waiting, no? I am sitting in the library of my school with that stupid, god-awful pit in my stomach as mentioned before, shaking like a leaf over nothing. Reading over my previous entry, I realize that yes, as I said while too intoxicated to think straight, I did happen to not make any sense. No elaborations will be provided with that in mind, because Goddamnit, my retardation is the most raw you will find of me and that is to stay as is. It also pairs with the fact that I am left wondering on what there is for me to be so stressed about, because as mentioned before, with what little could be deciphered by me, present day, present itme, I realize there is nothing to be stressed about logically. Utilizing this for its intended purpose does serve some proper weight, however, when I am writing all of this up rather aimlessly with nothing to put forward besides a sudden, impromptu burst of writing energy sided with anxiety, it will likely prove rather boring. Nothing really has happened in the past two days, nothing out of the ordinary. I have gone through daily routine, I have left the house a decent amount, I have indulged in both leisure and work time equally (indulged used leniently for working, because God knows how much I hate that), I have slept normally, for the most part, considering the fact that I have been sleeping at one A.M the absolute latest and even that I found unpleasant, there's been fresh air, and little coming forward that I could realistically fret on. Originally I had guessed it to be due to school, maybe, something about grades, but that assumption was somewhat far-fetched, honestly a futile scapegoat for me to pull when I cannot think of anything else, and honest to God, I do not think that to be it. I'm doing fine enough, not only that, but I don't care anyways. I circle back to that, and back to the idea of school in general, because I am here writing this on my free-time while I wait for my next period, (socio-bull-gy), and I am growing increasingly worse with each tick of the clock. More or less, don't want to go to my next class feeling like this! I skipped the first two periods today and, to my knowledge, am getting away with it, which is nice, it alleviates some of what I apparently woke up with, though a part of me is worried that it will ruin the rest of the week because that would be just my luck, and that means I will go on to partially put blame to that. There are few thoughts coming to my head, nothing to update on, and no important words to leave my mouth in the next few hours, it is all sickness and an exhausted disdain for being present anywhere. FUCK! Yesterday was so, so much better than where I am now, and even then it could be described as mundane. Mundane pleasantry, nonetheless. The routine I've written about a few times has stayed consistent; I have been with "Ramirez", a genuine, sober recounting reads as we sat on a pier and had the most fun two teenage boys can playing the "Above 21 years old" game with the remainder of my vodka and a couple of cigarettes, walked around tipsy and almost pissed on the docks (not my proudest moment, whipping it out for 30 seconds, facing away from everything and thinking through whether I pee on the wood, into the water, or neither), I decided on neither, might I add, stole from a CVS, discussed the terrible horrors of being middle-class teenagers who live in suburban neighborhoods and go to public school, which mind you, thre are more than you would think, and went home at a sensible 10 P.M, meaning I would class it as a good day. Sunday was similar, Saturday was, well, Saturday, and the last day I had been at school aside from yesterday went by in similar timing to greet me with a good evening. One that I couldn't place entire certainty onto whether I deserved the reward later on in the evening I granted myself, and here I am, in a similar place. I have been cutting an irregular amount of class for a very good boy like myself, and surrounding myself with little "road-stops", temporary rewards to distract from how much I hate living through life. Things are starting to feel like a loop again, and there is still always the constant reminder with what could be called pleasure, I will get through this, aware or not, or rather, there had been. I am dragging. Very, very slowly dragging, like seaweed over a shorebed, nothing could go by quicker, certainly never slower, and I am not sure for all of what exactly that I am waiting for. All there is for me to know is that I am met with the idea of gluttony, the reminder of my selfishness whenever I enjoy myself. Oh well. It least it isn't gluttony in the most common, literal sense. Starving myself is going great, mind you! That is always something to fall back on, when I hold doubt of my situation, such as in a place akin to right now. It is sort of my place of balance, not to be gay, it reminds me that deprivation is the greatest achievable. A lack of anything is what man runs off of, and that lack is where I reside currently. Outside of humanity, outside of animalistic instincts that instruct us to eat, to survive. I am standing stagnant in-between. It has been 48 hours since I have last eaten, and in these two days, I have shamelessly consumed vodka, alcohol doesn't contain calories in my book, and coffee today. Caffeine helped a lot with my 4 and a half hours of sleep last night, I would be distracted, otherwise, right now. I had to stop midway through writing this to go to last period, which gave me a new thought, on straying away from instinct and all of that. How does somebody who invests their life in sociology, human nature, philosophy and what the "self" is, what it is to exist not seek to gain awareness, break from that confine they placed themself in, how are they not aware, or how do they not want to be? I listen to a man in his fifties drone on about how the self is subconsciously influenced by those around us and there is no absolute in the human being, there is an "I", but not a "me", in his words he paraphrased so technically from a book he wouldn't get on the daily, yet if I were to introduce any sliver of the thoughts I hold to him he would stare vacantly at me until I stopped speaking and try to disprove the truth — Bring some excuse up on why what is absolute and what I have dedicated every piece of my waking (and resting) consciousness to inherently is 'wrong', 'incorrect', immoral or misguided. How does one live for so long, research those who did hold awareness, those who are the furthest outside of the circle, and yet cling to ignorance long enough he could contradict himself on his own points? Even if he were a willing listener, for the sake of understanding, he wouldn't fully grasp a single part of it and my words would be in vain. I can think of maybe a billionth of the population who could understand where I come from that are awake, living, aware at this point in time, and I know one of them personally. The rest I am unsure of. I understand that that may make me sound like an egomaniac, sure, I hold myself accountable in the field of possibly being full of myself, but nobody tries to break through. That is the problem. Nobody seeks to understand, I wouldn't wish understanding upon anybody, and even if it is stereotypical and 'edgy', to understand is to hold the worst curse imaginable and the suffering in awareness is boundless. If I could make a decision in knowing, I would rather live among zombies who don't, won't, and never will get it, because maybe then I could experience bliss. I am done writing for now, as I think that cycle of thought process, quite literally, the circle, is where a piece of some of my apprehension and discomfort throughout my body came from. I could fault that, I could fault the aftershock of all the enjoyment I have had recently, which has been quite a bit, I could fault exhaustion, or perhaps, it is the world itself. I stand unknowing of whatever the higher power brought forth. I am, admittedly, updating this for the third gap in today, as I didn't get to quite finish my train of thought before parting to go see Failsafe, which is much better than "Ramirez", that isn't the guy's name, yet again. Me and Fail had fun! The divine power we've spoken about almost every day, fate, the moving hand, the chess board had moved us in closer towards eachother, and despite my skepticism and presumed disbelief that I would, we got to go out yet again today. This time, we lied in some hotel about being brothers so we could stay warm off the side of the docks, the fabled docks, and talked very loudly about how "Mom will be here soon", and how good "brotherly love" is. Also taught the d00d some German, which we both find to be quite funny. Tomorrow will be, in most regards, a repeat of today, in the most pleasant way possible. Another roadstop, another lesion in the circle, rip in the spiral. Thanksgiving will be the same; I will likely get stoned on both. I am not even that much of a stoner, I just enjoy being helplessly intoxicated. Ah, well. Enough talking from me, enough writing, for both you, dear reader, and my hands to bare, and enough mention of him so I don't look as though I have no other hobbies. This is stupidly long, anyways! Gawdfrickindamn, I talk too much, lulul. I am gonna go watch T.V, no school tomorrow! Free time sure is great. Auf Wiedersehen, in Liebe, VoDkA, StAlEmAtE, whatever you want to call me.
Last updated: 11/26/24, at 9:09 in the PM.
Ahhhh, it feels good to be back. Look where I am. Here and now! Writing another entry, jeeeyeaaaah. Tues-fricking-day fricking night. Where do I even start? So fucking much has happened in the span of the past month, I feel like I've lived an entirely different life over. It's absurd! I am typing this all knowingly looking moronic, because what else could I possibly do for fun? I would like to finish this entry quickly, seeing the time, so I will try and do just that. Chronological order is nothing to me right now when my memory has been awful — I don't remember any of the past three weeks, and it is objectively amazing. Both amazing and perpetually terrifying. That is majorly to blame on me going out as frequently as I have been, although there is some of it I'm certain on the rest leaves me scarily unsure. What I would say is most at fault is the copious amounts of weed I have been smoking. I sound as if I am trying to make myself sound cooler, but in reality I am painfully aware of how lame I look for admitting to that. I'm fitting into some stupid teenage stoner stereotype unabashedly, and deep on the inside of whatever makes that idea of a person up, you are greeted with this to see. Rather than spending time with my family at the moment, seeing as it's NEW YEARS, woohoo, I am writing all of this. I don't find myself all too present right now, so I am reluctant to type it all up, yet, as long as the site updates in time, I will have said something here before next year. My head hurts and I feel entirely incoherent, as if my body is moving on my own and no thoughts are flowing to the recognizable front of my mind. That has been what every day has looked like for me these past two weeks, and I hope that it may subside soon, as it gets a little annoying to not have anything worthwhile saying when sober because my brain is too rotted to think. It feels similar to being medicated, which I guess does remind me of something valuable I had thought of saying. Things have taken a steep decline downwards, aside from what good I have just mentioned. People keep telling me that they think I belong back on medication as a result! Me and Proxy have been talking again, I suppose you could call it that, for example, and he has told me numerous times that with the "state I am in" at the moment, relatively normal albeit empty-headed, he believes I need to be medicated. Talking to him has been of little importance to me, but I guess I could say that it does occupy a little time, so maybe that deevolution isn't so bad. The same goes for Fail! Except that is significantly more positive. The comments I receive about seeming stressed are taking more of a toll on me than whatever stress is, and I think a majority of them (on his end) come from a need for prescribed Xanax to take. Lul. I'm not even entirely sure what is sending me so far down so quickly, the only thing that I do understand is how quickly it is happening and that my surroundings are fading with it. It is making me erratic enough that I've actually gone out and travelled, despite my motivation to do so these past few days in specific trickling out. Positives and negatives, hopefully I will return to normal soon enough, whatever that looks like outside of this. A pseudo-diagnosis of how the hell I feel right now would be good, if only for prognosis and escaping my own feelings. I want to shut my head off for some time, though if I could somehow achieve that, that would mean I'd be left with nothing to put here. What a shame, enough of a shame that I'm sacrificing my sanity to recollect. Speaking of... I went to a concert at the start of the month. My very first one, I remember that very fondly. I got to see Algernon Cadwallader live! The pieces of it which I held onto, my half-memory and a few recordings tell me that it was pretty good. That night is around when my memory problems started, ironically enough, though I had been smart enough to write things down that evening so I would be able to look back the day after and ground myself, in some sense. This here is also grounding me. I am writing to my predictable same music as usual, which seems to help me in coming back to my surroundings, even if they aren't my usual ones that I would write in. I am at my parents' house, and have been for a few days because Christmas did happen, which again, you could not ask me very much of what happened on the day of, and I am content with that fact because I know that it was good enough. Staying at my aunt's, as I have been for the entire time this webpage has been up would have made it so I couldn't say that, and my gifts were pretty sick! I got a good few shirts which are really cool, my favorite being the SPLIT one, and a hoodie so I don't have to freeze to death anymore. Shocker, I know, you actually need layers in the cold. Until maybe a week or two ago, I wasn't wearing a winter coat out at all, and now that I know what it is like to be warm, I'm unsure how I was surviving in the first place. The SPLIT shirt is also cool to me because that is now my third KMFDM shirt. What I made out with, all in all is success on my part, because I have retarded gifts to be happy about for retarded reasons, and more to come, such as my new boots and that hamster I have been waiting on for genuine months. Decidely, I will name him/her Mr. Business, regardless, and I can only hope that it is the albino one I had seen at PetCo about a month ago as it seems befitting for the little creature. Mr. Business will be home... Next year, sigh. I can say that now and look like a complete jackass about it! "Next year" is only in twenty three minutes. To think that new years came so quickly is admittedly somewhat scary to me, however I am mostly coping with that fact by telling myself I don't care, and that chinese food is the priority of the holiday. I'm also not exactly wrong. 2025 is a frightening prospect by principal, time passing is something I have always dreaded and without fail, this new years seems the same as most of my others. Undeniably, a lot of my fear comes from knowing that after 2025, I don't have much time left, at all. That gives me a year and some change until I kick the bucket, I can say that on here because this is my diary anyhow, nobody elses, and it is a relief to admit there is a decided time-limit to my suicide plans, unless for whatever reason, I am interrupted. I'm not breaching anything past June of 2026, I likely won't see my 18th birthday, and most definitely not the basement tapes (which are alleged to be released by JeffCo shortly after). If I cared more about accomplishments present time, that fact would crush me! Talking about Columbine on the site that so evidently makes me look like a wanna-be Klebold for the first time comes with a little bit of irony, especially considered that shockingly, I have not lurked TCC-Tumblr all too much recently. Big changes must be happening, I suppose. Maybe it's the season, or something's up with the moon, sky, all of that spiritual bullshit I've gone on about in the past. I neglect to mention Columbine, yet I mention the halcyon, my own version of that concept, and spirituality in whole. What sense does that make, furthermore, what sense am I making right now? I am glad that I have a diary so that I can ramble. If it weren't for knowing how to code, those who have interacted with me as of recent would be subject to the displeasure of hearing me drag on and on about truthful nothingness. My words are empty to nearly every person engaging me in conversation anyhow, hollow ideas for a hollow experience. One thing not hollow, the biggest accomplishment I have made and the thing I have shut up about the least to others, (aside from my moronic teenage antics and Christmas, bare with me here), I started NBC's Hannibal. Perhaps that is where so much of my time has gone, as when I'm not sitting and watching that, I really couldn't tell you how my time's been spent at home. I've made it to season two already, it is rare for me to like something this much! What I could give a much more concise answer to is what I /should/ be doing, and how I will end this, mentioning school. My grades have evidently declined rapidly, seeing as my memory has troubled me so much, and that comes from me neglecting everything important to me in my day-to-day now habitually through-out that dreaded timeframe I've gone about. I have assignment upon assignment missing, and that is almost ironic in correlation to how constantly on here I have boasted about my good GPA, perfect grades and whatnot, how things do change. I mention that because as I write this, I had told my parents I was going to finish up schoolwork and gone off to work on this instead, so perhaps as a change of pace, that ridiculous idea of a "new years resolution" everybody seems to keep inquiring to me on, I will apply myself and have people telling me that I'm intelligent prove true. Right now I certainly don't feel that it is, in fact, I feel like an actual idiot drooling at the laptop screen trying to compute words as quickly as I am. A real new years resolution is to get my head checked out more than having the MMPI-2 administered incredibly illegally on me through a friend, maybe that'll provide me some answers on as to why it is specifically screens that dumben me up, even if they are less interesting than the results we both read through after the screening. Perhaps my incoherency, presumed delirium by how I am shaking despite being more than full and incredibly hydrated is telling that I should stop typing, and there are only five minutes left in the year, so I would rather not spend them doing what feels like a chore and lay off the handiwork a little bit. I hope that this entry was... Something to digest, if not enjoyable, and that whoever may read this enjoys their new years. There are more plans on my part for tomorrow, but as for tonight, and for the rest of the year, to be douche-baggy, I'm done; And to all, a good night, as they say. 2024 sure was fun, I guess. See you around, parasocial reader that I have addressed multiple times now, and seemingly made up in my own head. Before I talk myself into a stupor. Пока, tchuss, adios and g'bye. For realzoz, man. DK, Stalemate, <<-VoDkA->> gone.
