I FINALLY DID IT! LOOK HOW COOL IT IS! DO YOU FAWKING SEE THIS? DK himself is back online, babe-y! Heheheh.. Finally. Mr. <<-Vodka->> himself worked on a SOLID website. This looks pretty good if I do say so myself. Albeit, not without the help of AI, but.. Gawd, if I'm expected to do ALL THIS on my own completely? It's crazy! I am learning, okay? Without U2Be 2toR1AlZ!1!! to guide me along my way. I don't know if I should, you know, do what this site's *intended* purpose is using this entry, talk about my day, or whatever else will have me but I do know there'll be pretty frequent upd8es, you will know about my day either way. It IS a diary, after-all! I might even draw my retarded symbols again, put 'em next to the text boxes, really seal the whole "my thoughtzos" thing. Lol. No, but, really. I can talk amongst myself and do it VIA the interwebs, rather than paper and pencil, how cool is that? What do I put here now? Do I start it all stereotypically and ridiculous? Dear Diary, today was just soooo eventful hehe! No. I'm not that gay. I can be normal. Let me recount on today's awesome events. I stayed up all night like a fucking fatass would, hoping for motherfucking Burger King breakfast and I figured my aunt would be out of the house a little earlier, so I could go and be in the clear as to not be seen gourging myself on more fast-food. I had planned to get my ass to the stupid resturant, which, whether you know me or not, you probably SHOULD know it is just down the road, maybe 7 minutes of walking, but she ended up leaving at.. 11-11:30. That's crazy! Because you know why? I will gladly TELL YOU WHY. Burger King motherfucking BREAKFAST closes, apparently, now at 10-10:30 AM. What kind of bullshit is that? Imagine you have a quote-unquote 'late commute' and you have to leave at around 10-11.. Now that you've put yourself in those hypothetical shoes, imagine you really, really want Burger King. Whatever it might be from there. You pull into the drive-thru, whimsy and a pep in your step hopeful as one can be for greasy, shitty quality fast-food at 10-11 in the AM, only to find out, guess what, rhetorical poor-man? You're shit out of luck. That's right, baby. They closed already. 10 AM sharp, if you were real unlucky. Means you either have to get one of their oddly all-day coffee beverages, which I did not, some heart-attack-on-a-bun type burger before the afternoon, or you drive off in shame. Whatever. I know realistically, I should not give this much of a shit, and really I don't, BUT! It is MY website, asshole. That means.. Guess what, if I wanna spend multiple minutes of my day completely wasted on writing about fast food breakfasts and their unreasonable timings? I can. Klebold style, jeah. Hm. God, what else.. Oh, I went and took a hike. Literally. I walked my sweaty, caffinated ass into the local little forest I don't care to remember the name of today and wandered aimlessly for about an hour and a half into.. Spiderwebs, rocks, more spiderwebs, SPIDERS (euck), mosquitos, and other unpleasant wildlife. Ah, the beauty of nature. As you'd expect, I'm a little pussy-boy and I HATED that part, lmao. I guess it goes without saying that, if you enter someone, or something's neighborhood without any certain direction, do not be surprised if you end up on their front porch somehow? That's how I rationalized cobwebs covering every orifice of mine today and mosquitos molesting me every 10 feet I stepped. If I wanna explore the great outdoors and genuinely revel in it's pleasantries, you need to face the downsides too and get the fuck over them. The whole time I was out, thrashing my head like an autist and waving my bare arms of various insects, when I wasn't also focusing on how truthfully serene it was, I was lost in thought regarding my HATE for bugs. Gawd, I hate almost all of them. They're pretty to look at, some, sure.. Through natgeo. But, other than that, stay away from ME! I couldn't help but think further into it though, further than that, and that all there too, I wonder what Eric would think seeing me react so.. God-awful and retardedly. I think he'd definitely make fun of me. I could seriously almost hear the guy laughing in my ear, something like "LOL V YOU LOOK STUPID! JUST STEP OVER THE COBWEB DUMBFUCK!!" When I was too cowardly to dip my poor-person sneaker into a bed of 'em. How's that for serious encouragment? When in doubt, it really has never been "What would Jesus do", it HAS been "What would Reb do?", the answer to which is usually "Just go for it man, screw 'em all, don't be a pussy." And I say, pretty solid advice, E, but also fuck you lolol. Go Romans! You both help AND discourage me.. I am a delicate young man! Like a flower. Hahahahah, knowing you're possibly gunna read that if you give a fuck enough to check this bullshit out humors me. Hey, Reb! Hope you like my/chatgpts awesome coding skills.. Another thing about my little adventure, not only were my pants sliding down my ass with every other placement of my foot, I had three teensy little shot-bottles of vodka in my fucking pursewallet abomination, you know, like a NORMAL sober teenager does, and I had to be extra careful not to eat rocks and bust my ass eau-natural out there 'cuz I'd be bummed if anything happened to them! Nothing did, of course, I have them sitting in my desk drawer for later tonight/the next couple days (to be decided), but they're glass, that breaks super easy. I sort of felt like white trash wandering from the liquor store after loitering beside it for 30 minutes and eventually spotting some dude to hand my cash to, to the Dunkin Donuts across the street after I said I'd apparently go to the bus stop and get outta there like I made the elaborate plan of talking about, to a literal forest for however long to go on a little idle stroll, but it would've been way worse if I was stupid and got shitfaced in there like I planned to because I wouldn't have been able to get back home. Whatever, at least I saw water! And a frog. It hopped over my foot while I was walking on some ridicuously narrow walk-way in the neck of it all and it really did feel like some kinda cartoon. Oh, well. I have been writing for WAYYY, way too long, I think! Mr Love.Of.My.Life is sick as a dog right now and I thought I had checked up on him when I did not, silly me, actually I'm pretty pissed about that, and I feel super bad for him. So, that means I am cutting this short (not exactly short with how goddamn long this all is but WHATEVER, MAN!) and stopping here. Next entry will DEFINITELY be shorter, trust me! I don't have it in me to talk noone's ear off for this long usually, the occasional paragraph to Smig (Who is.. MIA right now, heheh.) is hardly an exception, the guy talks like me but better so it's sort of just like journaling anyway, but, this is official. I only wish I had given myself writing music this time around, or something. NIN really does work good to write to. Thanks for sticking around and getting through this fucking word salad, hope 'ya enjoyed. Be back soon.. I dunno if I sign it off, that feels retarded. Ironically, DK. Bye.
Last updated: 8/5/24 @ 11:11 PM..
Hello again, world wide web! Ah, Neocities. I enjoy the knowledge that I have this. It makes things easy and organized, even if I genuinely do feel very, very stupid figuring out the kinks of simple updates. I am following CSS better, as of today! I think that's cool. I don't know, I really can't give myself all too much credit for this website, as I am not entirely responsible for what went into the making of it. Despite my cyber-stalking habits, this was actually NOT inspired by another person! Not anyone I can think of openly, at least. Subconciously, though, sure. I bet it was. Noone's really all that goddamn original, after all. Luckily, to most, it's less about the sentiment of who/what coded it and why, more about what's here. And I know what is here, I am the owner of this all, obviously. My point stands now, that I can do almost anything I want to with this as I now understand what I'm working with, and how it works, which is why I would say, pretty neat. Besides my ever-improving coding ability, which, you could hardly call it that though I digress, el oh el, today has lacked any fruit. Shocker. I woke up at 6 PM today, what's new, and despite being wholly enervated, and also finding myself quite cold in comparison to usual (65 DEGREES TODAY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? IT'S AUGUST.), I got the hell over it, and I got out of bed. Wow... I hold a certain disdain for waking up, and to preface, it is not just because I am depressed as you may think, though that is, obviously, another reason one may dislike waking.
In my mind, it's closer to painful than plain uncomfortable feeling to force myself up and peel my eyelids open, and I am reminded of certain dread nightly when I lay my head down and remember, Oh my God, I have to wake up tomorrow, damnit. One thing I hate more than just waking on my own, because at least that is on my body's accord, and it's an independent feat of masochism, is being woken by others in almost all circumstances. God, that is just the worst. Don't interpret that as me saying "Oh I HATE when my boyfriend wakes me", that just isn't what I am saying and I would HOPE my dear reader here (L0L) has the common sense to know that, it's more the awakeness being forced upon me I dislike, When it is him, I find it tolerable, mostly, even under sleep deprivation like last night (I'm talking about the stupid passing out maybe 25 times midst conversation I did where I continuously mumbled "I'm awake" exceedingly angrier each time.. That would be an outliar. Sorry) My point is nobody else has any good reason in MY head to wake me up. Sleep's good! I actually sleep very little, in spite of that. I care very little when I am the one KEEPING myself awake, as in a month's time it will all be fixed regardless, but you have to die young if it's the summertime and staying up until 8 am "nightly" is opportune, and it certainly is. Live a little. Shrug. What else has happened today that is at all worth writing about.. Last night, I stayed up for nearly an hour and a half longer than I promised myself I would, placing the time I fell asleep at around 12 PM because I was very focused on researching. I put my time towards fueling the fire that is my curiosity on mass murderers, go figure, everything about me, and I studied Roof, Auvinen, and Tarrant. My favorite of the trio was Auvinen, Pekka has always held my curiosity, though I could say they all do interest me; Tarrant follow secondly. They were all long articles, holding valuable information I looked into meticuously, to be expected, they have a lot of media coverage around them, I do like smaller cases, too, though. My aunt went grocery shopping and that excited me, enough it helped wake me, it had been a little over three weeks since she had and she got me my very important, bizarre grocery requests. Flax seed, sugar-free strawberry preserves, my specific ice cream I like. So on, and so forth. I think that my enjoyment of things marketed to have low sugar contents in context to.. Prior circumstance, at best, is a little suspicious seeming, but to be dead honest, self-imposed food restriction factored in or not, I enjoy the bizarre chemical-reminiscent taste of artificial sugars, though they may scare me a bit. Fruits and vegetables, primarily vegetables, I also prefer for everything about them. Really, that is all I can think of notably today. I was considering drinking tonight, but, I prefer alcohol on an empty stomach as to not vomit everything up and it is far more potent when there's no food to absorb it. The harder it hits, the better. I'll just drink tomorrow, or something. This entry went on a lot longer than I would have liked it to, and, I may have said I'd keep it shorter, but I think this is actually longer. Whatever, at least I tried. I was excited to write today, knowing I was able to. I actually freed up space, I deleted a part of this stupidly large paragraph, so you can imagine how much I fucking talk. For now, that'll be all. To update what I said in my last entry, music does help, as I have known. It felt pretty nice to have music in the back of this stupid drabble. Will either check back tomorrow, or leave this untouched for like.. Two weeks, lmao. Pretty decent entry over-all, though.
BUH-BYE!
Last updated: 8/6/24 8:20 PM
Update, I think. I think in context to whether this will actually work, I am not previewing anything as I usually would and the code is organic because I have spent yet another day going through the trials and tribulations of CSS/HTML/Java. What a nightmare. We will see! As of right now, to give decent reply as a follow-up to my previous entry, I have had all of the alcohol I promised I would. Technically, it is two days in advance rather than one, so, take that, odd self-concious part of myself that is bordering on insecurity towards what he writes, private or not. An update is an update. Continuing off of what was said prior, yes, I have consumed all of the alcohol I had to my name, particuarly recently as-well, taking into account it's been around an hour and a half since I downed all three teensy little shots as though they were water. I would like to believe I did, anyway, as I want the pride of knowing I am 'good at drinking', whatever that realistically amounts to. Alcohol has never been particuarly difficult going down, not until now, at-least, which my subconcious holds in high regard when comparing me to others, as apparently, most dislike the taste of vodka. Right now, I shamefully resign from my place of superiority, as I was dryheaving getting it all down from the fact it was one, room temperature and positively disgusting and two, the quantity of which I consumed in a short period of time. Three shots in five minutes undoubtedly, according to the input of myself and nothing more, is not much, but to couple that with the last time I drank I had a little over half a bottle in 10. With that in mind, I would say I tolerate the discomfort hard liquor inevitably does harbor going down fairly well, but this time, like I said, I relinquish my ego so I may say it was hell on earth. Not by taste, and I could even extend the argument, it's not by dislike towards alcohol of any sort, vodka has held it's title as my favorite for a while, but I am.. Delicate when it comes to temperature and overall consistency of whatever I may consume, as well as a held notion that aftertaste influences your enjoyment of any beverage, and all of it was room temperature from sitting out for three days. The aftertaste was unneccesarily strong in addition to the undesirable temperature, that would be my bad, so it made for a far from enticing experience over-all. Now that that has all gone down, followed by a small fit of near vomiting less than a minute afterwards and the treat of having a Dr. Pepper as incentive, I believe myself to be in better spirits aside from a wobble while standing. Comporably better than the last time I had anywhere near this much vodka, as that is when I cracked my phone and persuaded those around me into blindly thinking it was sleep deprivation in-part with malnutrion, what fucking idiots they were to actually FOLLOW that, but I find myself cohesive enough to write in this document and manually input the tags that would make a new document without checking constantly that it will work through the help of a mark-up preview page for reassurance, I consider that a positive. One downside to tonight/this morning's whole ordeal is that I am quite nauseaous, I have not eaten in 24 hours now, the last thing I consumed was intentionally dense however, oatmeal to keep me full and possibly play a part in convience regarding mitigating my drunkenness, but in retrospect I realize it to be stupid and inefficient towards any alcohol absorbtion I believed it could help in. In my defense, I did just want oatmeal too, though, so you can't call me stupid for cooking for myself. Another newly-found negative is my lack of memory retention, albeit to be expected, that is making this exceedingly difficult to write and keep cohesive despite the endless amount of time I hold to continue it. I have all the in the world to write, and right now I am the opposite of busy, I am sitting on the phone with my lover in almost silence(Hello, Reb....), realistically meaning I should have no probleem with this, but every few sentences I have to go and read over what I have written, and I am not sure, even with my methodical recounting that this will be all to sensical when I am sober. The silence, although partial, I find to be a positive in getting this all out, I focus better whether inebriated or not with silence my muse, or music ambient I can tune it out and have my headspace centered around what is in-front of me. Focusing on my surroundings, or, realistically any sort of task at-hand placed directly infront of me, is difficult enough when sober, so of course, with a spinning room and one eye open as I have now to keep my vision focused, I cannot imagine it to be any more cohesive than the minimal effort I fixate on providing normally. I ponder on whether writing music, akin to what was there last time would help, and I also want for some sort of sound other than the occasional small, pleasant conversation I am engaging in right now; I have the Smashing Pumpkins stuck in my head right now, Beautiful to be specific. Expected, but still novel hahahah. I had more I was thinking of in my quote-unquote 'drunken stupor' that seemed to nbe interesting, but, I cannot remember it right now as I seem to be stuck fixing myself on the minute details that are relevant to my current surroundings (Like, "do I have to pee?" "My boyfriend's drawing, what is he making?") more than the big picture, which is messing me up.
Another thing, even if small to note that in hindsight should have been more towards the start, any typos at all, WHICH I don't believe there to be any, will be left as-is due to laziness and 'preservations sake', so, if that may lead to you, the individual reading this finding it any amount of illegible (Which, I don't see happening, but, whatever), consider me sufficiently unapologetic, because I really don't care. My blog, my life!! Fuck that, heheheh. Anyways. Nothing notable at all to recount on from today besides what I have already gone over, expected sleep deprivation broken for all of maybe an hour and a half pushing 1:00 AM that went sourly, meaning I have spent 7 hours in the past 72+ resting in total, starvation through-out today for alcohol's sake which means I want to ravish an entire kitchen lolol, extremely insignificant housework and standard leisure-time seen through every day, recently, I have spent coding today, and most importantly, the upcoming weekend that seems to promise actual meaning and time spent favorably. I can call it a boring day. I am going to try and stand again now, as I spent nearly an hour on this and yet I continue to see myself dizzy, so that I can use the bathroom and possibly cook. Next entry, which I assume will be tomorrow off of the frequency I've upheld in maintaining this, I may actually delve into interesting, philosophical-edgelord topics that make me look adequetly moronic as intended and not just drone on about day-to-day's if I make an entry. I'll also probably laugh at this, eventually, if it is stupid and/or incohesive as I expect, in the near future! I am going to go now and hopefully, not fall, bust my ass, and break multiple things with that sentiment in mind. Nothing of this will be edited, so I hope it was enjoyable with whatever context you place it with. Hopefully I get to put on the Goddamn Smashing Pumpkins, gawd I love 'em. Hopefully, next entry is shortER and swifer, too!! Bye.
DK <<-VoDkA->> himself, livin' up to the nickname.
Last updated: 8/8/24, @ 8:26 AM
Look what the cat dragged in. You'd never expect it, I am actually using this for what it is genuinely intended for, pure, sanctimonious self-indulgence and absorbtion. Impressive feat, me. I get to now, not only be angsty and miserable, but I may broadcast it, too. What is new? To quicken things, I have had a HORRIBLE day. When I say horrible, I mean HORRIBLE! GOD!! Slamming doors like an immature child kind of horrible. I am exhausted, as well as overexerted. I have been out/up doing continuous.. Stuff? Vague, but I can't classify all of it as laborious, since 11 AM. I have not sat down until maybe 20 ago, and as of right now, it is 9:31 PM. I have also not slept in over 24 hours, again. I really do need to fix my sleep schedule, if I can allow myself self-awareness for a moment. I don't care, though. For now, in the under a month I have until school starts, I can stay up as much as I want to! And I think that is great. Staying up is the only time I am granted free-time without requesting it, which I will continually refuse to do unless it is something important, and usually whatever I want to do is not. During these breaks in the early morning hours, I usually sit and watch movies, or some stupid shit like that. I work on my website directories, I might draw. Maybe play a game, if I am not too nervous, and I get to listen to music freely. Dull things to pass time and allow myself autonomy in making choices. When I'm awake, I feel like I am constantly being worked, somehow, with little exception. Whatever fucked up deity there stands to be, he has tied a permanant straw sack to my upper body and told me to carry it's weight over my shoulders until I inevitably croak up and die. It's horrendous. When I moved here, just a few months ago, I was looking.. Not exactly upwards, but towards what was just in-front of me with positive inhabitions; It has absolutely not met that. My great expectations imploded inwards to make a little firey ball of piss and shit after they let me out of the Goddamn psychiatric hospital for perceived suicidal ideation that was never present in the first place, not at that time. I started from the top of a downward slope of in all respects what is bad, and I have traversed down a strait of dread and what just seems to be getting worse into the seeming spiral of terrible. It's a sinkhole that holds you in like you are all it has, and you fall further and further until you die. The moment your body droops inwards, there is no longer light visible from the top of anything and all is lost. It gets dark the second you lose your footing, and you only slip further. I have learnt that once, and I am learning it again, yet another ridiculous door down, this time with bigger words to make myself look so serious and respectable, I am a self-aware retard in actuality. More trust that I know this will actually stay private is nice, that's about it. It is a waste to put time into reading a majority of this out of anything aside from plain curiosity, so much has been said that could have been said in shorter, simpler words and I apparently never, ever stop fucking talking, even to myself hahah
There was more writing if I think on the last circumstance, more that nobody else is aware of besides me and it is harrowing as well as comforting at the same time. Nobody will ever know what went through my head, but, it also means nobody will ever know the full extent of what there is. I am not heard in full, the contrast weighs itself out... Here and now, this is all there is. Probably all there will be. I don't like paper journals. I wonder if when I swing the next door-knob open I will have the incessant urge to never shut up again. Cliche and edgy or not, I hope to make it out of here soon. This room's starting to bore me and the hallway looks like it goes further on every step I take down it. More than you would believe in the way I primarily fear the future. I know it won't hold anything substantial, not a kid like me. My future holds an oven in a crematorium, I hope. I don't want to be embalmed, nor do I want a funeral. I want my body to sit in a pile of other less significant bits of ash and sinder, so I go out no different than any other person. I can think of one noteworthy person who would attend if there was a funeral held, save for maybe a few insignificant family members out of pity, and said person will probably die with me if we want to be two stereotypical lovers.. Fat chance, I think. This is in more fantasy than anything. I might believe I have the guts to go through with finalizing a suicide, I feel like I want to right now, for example, such is that of a dramatic teenage boy, but others don't, few believe me to be capable of finishing myself off, finding some kinda freedom, and logistically without constant access to a firearm, suicide is less than ideal. Today has been shitty enough to lead me to that conclusion, and that one, and all the other one's I drew that didn't really make sense, basically. This comes with remembering my circumstance.. Writing music works good for this, btw. Ava Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins is an amazing song.. :-)
Brings me back deeper into meaningful things, deluded value, I wonder what would wait for me wherever I head after, maybe just darkness and quiet. That wouldn't differ from here all too much, honestly. I think that would just be pacing a few steps across this room instead of exiting and opening a new door, haha. The lights will keep on flickering by whatever corridor may-or-may-not be down there until then. I'll be sure to give this page a great update when I reach that conclusion. I hate working, and I hate leaving the house a lot. That prompts all this, in whole.. I think I am about done, besides wondering how those old symbols still effect my life nowadays, what weird philosphiBULL meaning they really could hold, and how I hope nobody interprets my beliefs as hollow enough to just be dumbed down or simplified as religion, a religion of any kind, my drive is my own religion and contrast does not differentiate that. There's nothing we know to worship besides ones self for certain, and I am too uncreative to say I thought up shapes and lineage to put to these thoughts, more just placing what is applicable.. But excuse the sudden pause, on another topic, that throughout this, I had simple housework to do for even longer and that just gave me further drive to write.. I was gone for 40 GODDAMN minutes when I could have contributed something deeper than I delved and provided any meaning to my words, basis to my surroundings. All I can focus on is how badly I want to go to sleep right now. Despite that, I think this is still the longest word-vomit hard to be considered proper writing I have posted here. That's all there really is to say, cynical and hard to follow provided. I am going the fuck to sleep, for however long I can. Fuck everything
Last updated: 8/12/24, 11:44 at night
Well, well, well. Afuckinggain, am I upset. Unsurprising. Technically six days ago by date, but, five days is all it took... It's pretty hard to top how shitty I've been (don't jinx it, me), but it's fucking SUCKED. Really bad. Everything has, and nothing has gone upwards. It's just stayed neutral, neutral or stagnant, like I'm stuck in limbo, a purgatory for some unknown wrongdoing I cannot go back on leading me to not having the means to progress, either. I can only relive, relive everything. That feels kind of metaphorical for how everything has been, not just in current day, but this whole time, if I think too deep into it. I started these stupid writings two-ish weeks ago with better going for me than I have now, that's for sure. I was taking walks! Big adventure, pat on the back to me. Now I haven't willingly left the house since the last time I wrote, I think. If not longer. I've been dragged out alongside my aunt and her baby, big shocking reveal on what's been troubling me so deeply. I am absolutely beyond miserable over that, and because what isn't there to be absolutely miserable over? What is there? It's a stupid loop that collapses back into itself and eats at it's own skin until the bone rots, and proceeds to regenerate itself back up to scar tissue off the nutrients. I am living the same month over with the same seven sequences of hours for the next year and a half with only decently negative variation and not much else. Call me pessimistic, call me realistic, call me an optimist. I don't care what label you put on it, frankly, I am the one living this shit and I am the one hoping to soon not to, anymore. I have cried almost every day of this, and I think today was the worst day I've had in the span of a full calendar year, and that's including last July and August throughout it, too.
The last stupid entry I made, I faulted myself in part for circumstance playing out so shittily and my reaction being even worse, as well as disproportionate; I hadn't slept. This time, I fall flat for an excuse as to why I feel so horrible. I've bawled my eyes to emptiness and rung my tearducts dry throughout less than a quarter of today because I keep fucking EVERYTHING up. New score of pathetic bitchery to cry to, because to be honest, I really did well up in tears like some pathetic fucking toddler over being told the only thing I am good at is "cutting myself and being lazy". That was a first, yeesh! Whatever though, I care little about how this writing will be perceived in particular because privacy is luxury, and it's luxury I have for right now. Me and myself. No more to say, I lost motivation. Fucking miserable, mehh. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and not cry as much.
Last updated: 8/18/24, 2:44 in the AM
More time for bullshit writing, in only a little better spirits than last time, lul. I am absolutely exhausted, for no apparent reason, so, I expect to trail on like a moron. Not that there is really much to update on, but, you know, leave it to me to not quit my bitchin' (irony) and ramble VIA text box. Example being right there. Anyway, little has happened in the span of a week. I have cooked a lot, I normally don't go out of my way to, I am a better baker, but we don't have much for fresh produce in the house currently, meaning I cannot just slice up vegetables and eat that. Due to not physically feeling very good for the past week, which has inconvenienced me greatly, I have been eating more which has driven me insane. Eating like a "normal person", or, over-eating, is the worst thing in the fucking world, and as of today I feel the best I have. I'm ought to not eat so much, now. I think I'm slipping into a depressive episode over how soon school is starting. 10 days isn't that bad sounding. I like the thought of that more than I would eating disgusting things, and I will actually look like 'myself', whatever that means. Hmm, that brings me to think about how little excersize I got playing DDR this week. I went to stay at my other aunt's house for two days, a few cities away, and she took me to an arcade with a mediocre "DDR" (actually pump-it-up) machine, which I used for maybe a total of 50 minutes and played low BPM songs. I don't just play for athletic purposes, it's a genuinely very fun game, but I would rather feel accomplished after, and I did not get to. It was a boring trip, plainly. Watched some of Lost Highway while I was there, too, and from what I remember of it, it was really great. I phrase it like that because I was falling asleep the entire duration I sat through, I need to rewatch a majority of it so I can finish it on my own time. Very uneventful time there. I did, however, get alcohol out of not being home, which was great! I got almost an entire 750 ml bottle of SMIRNOFF to have to myself. Expectedly, my alcohol of choice is vodka yet again. Is anybody surprised? I had a majority of it last night, meaning I probably have 3-ish shots left, I will eventually get to that. I was so buzzed I passed out, it was kind of ridiculous, but, I had the time of my fucking life for as long as I was awake, and what I remember. Indigo spent the whole time getting stupid, embarrassing secrets outta me I would've never let onto otherwise, but I really don't care. I care a little more about the fact I had an actual hangover, maybe that's why I'm as tired as I am? I was so fucking nauseous all day today, and my HEAD. I should have dranken on an empty stomach rather than as I did, not have been a fatass, usually I don't feel sick after I do. I have gotten to drink the most this past month than I have ever before in my life. Being hungover for the first time meant that I got to nap the stomach ache away for a lot of today, which was pretty solid. However, I officially "woke up" at 7 PM, which was significantly less awesome. So much for trying to fix my sleep schedule, but who gives a damn.
Sometimes I find it hard to take myself seriously reading over the shit I say online, what I write out about myself, or really anything else. I am the biggest fucking hypocrite in the whole world, and it kind of haunts me, it's always sitting at the back of my mind. I go on about how I hate LARPers, how I hate selfish people, how I am just full of hatred, but there's nobody I hate more than myself. In less of a depressive way, more spiteful. I am aware of myself in that I know I look like an edgelord, I know how ridiculous I seem, the things that I like and the way that I talk, but I cannot bring myself to be any different than how I am. It is so unfortunately authentic. I've never liked myself, not then and not now, and I am constantly finding reasons why not to. I prove my own point with nearly everything I say, and I will never actually do anything about it, either, not until I eventually blow my brains out of my skull. I'm indefinitely sandwiched between hatred and love for who I am until then. I am similar to others in a lot of ways, there are times that it is very easy for me to make a comparison about myself to another person, but that does nothing apart from frustrate me. I hate others, maybe just as much as I hate myself, because I hate social interaction and I have built a false hierarchy in my own head I sit atop of that constantly tells me how different everybody else is from me, how unlikable they are in ways I don't see in myself, because they're different people, but then there are bits and pieces distinct enough I can call them negatives that I see in myself, which makes me hate me more. I think that I project a large piece of that onto my misanthropy, why I single out certain groups of people under certain labels that disgust me, and the fact I am knowing of that but refuse to change forces me to circle back. When I mentioned "above others", talking about the hierarchy earlier, it wasn't in the sense I am better, I am just a seperate piece I know the most about that places me outside of the categories. People are all countless rings making up a large circle, placed together meticuously to look like a solid whole when in reality there are small gaps between each layer. You close in far enough, and you reach the center of those people, that large shape, and you see what it's all made up on, the intimate parts of a society and what we outcast the most, the everything that molds those people together. Those are why the circle looks whole, but the ones nobody is willing to acknowledge off of controversy and a need to delude themselves into thinking they live under one large solid with no free space or imperfections. Those at the center usually do have status, maybe they're higherups or whatever of society, but they don't have to be. They are also usually the most "corrupt". Think politicians, pedophiles, et. cetera. The furthest out are those who are the most out of touch with reality, the ones furthest from society and closest to leaving it, those who understand more, and they may even be out there by choice. Anything that steps out of bounds from this is dead, as you would have to be dead to seperate yourself from these loops, those in the center knotted everything together fairly tightly. They skate furthest against the walls enclosing all of these rings, and the walls are only far out, around the outside edges with the rest of what is encased in them spiraling inwards on itself to maintain stability. One notable person who I can think of who was brushing against the walls before he died was Theodore Kaczynski. He had good theories, for the most part, and was able to seperate himself from society an admirable amount. Me saying this doesn't mean I want to do anything similar to the unabomber, to be as lucid as possible, his mind strays from mine, but it's difficult not to think of him and say he had brilliant ideals. The placings inside that largescale circle are not linear, and you can traverse further in, or out, at any time in my eyes, but your average teenager on the internet sits ignorant in the middle with no intent to move forward or stray out of that, but they claim they do, and that irritates me. They want to progress in life, which is just crawling further into that circle, and that is ridiculous and contradictory to me. They're not moving in or out, they are stagnant in their ring of what is too vast for them to comprehend, and they are just moving 'forward' inside in regard to their own life without going up or down, on their personal X axis. It varies which definite placement they are at, and any attempt to conceptualize what this actually looks like is futile because it is.. Well, large and difficult to jot out, but it is meant to be more of an idea than anything with visuals, I believe that would ruin it. With these sections and loops I have put thought into, there is one for every type of person, they are nested inside larger ones more visible to the naked eye, which only multiply and fit into bigger ones, until you eventually find yourself imagining the circle plainly. The thing that makes it false are the gaps between each one. Writing it all out, I wonder where I sit in there. It's a tight squeeze to find yourself anywhere at all, surrounded by others, but I would say I am far out and not under the influence of others. I am not special, I am hardly different, which is why I don't make the claim I am brushing against the walls of it. I am unfortunately, very encultured, but I am self aware and that differs me. It is also why social interaction is so difficult, I always end up finding somewhere I can apply a person to, and I lose interest when they're in too deep, they are lost in my eyes if they do not change.
That loops around to what I was thinking of, earlier, about being a hypocrite. I act very similarly to some of those who are lower hanging fruit, down in it all. The only thing that seperates them from me in my mind is how fully I have fledged out my thoughts, and upon observing how they act, it is all one dimensional and they have not. I only wish I didn't think so much, but if I didn't put so much thought into it just now, I would have never been able to write it all out. My hands are kind of cramping, admittedly. I am tired. I am also scared of going back to school, 11th grade sounds dreadful and I will be at a public school for the first time in 3 years. I acknowledge that as.. Probably why I am thinking so deeply into my strange concept, I think I will call that the whole, as that sounds applicable. It's that, knowing I will be surrounded by those coersed into being stuck in the centerfold, they will dislike me and find me as strange as everybody else I speak with, and further, knowing I have spoken with a lot of new people recently. I made a Tumblr, hahah. I got bored, and I wanted to post some stupid cake I made a few weeks ago, which people liked. There have been mixed reactions to my presence on there, and I have circled back to my esoteric horseshit excuse of an ideology every time I have interacted with a stranger head-on and found it to resonate. I know three people, y'know who included, that reside there, and they're all pleasant to speak to. One person, somebody hiding under anonymity has been speaking to me a small bit, and they seem to be closer to the outside than most, which is promising. One is going to be short-lived, but, they act enough like myself I have been messaging with them and it is a breath of fresh air, whether egotistical or not. They are.. Okay, in my mind. The other is Smig, which I wonder where he is, and then, obviosuly, the man, the myth, the legend, Reb. Lol. The thought of him is why I even got into writing all of what I just did, irony, I know. I thought about how by calling him that, we both look like the ridiculous internet teenagers I think can go eat shit, and I only thought from there. I also thought about how much I like him, and how far out he is, which makes him very desirable. Those who are tend to be very mysterious by first glance, and I would call some of them interesting, like him. They can also be intimidating, good or bad, before I gain comfortability in speaking with them, which yet again, who else would that be? Aside from Reb, curse my stupid agoraphobia (kind of) for making me intimidated by anyone, under any circumstance. I'm real glad I know him well enough that I'm not so nervous and retarded anymore, I would be doomed if I were. I am not a spiritual person, at all, by the way, regarding all of what I wrote before. There's no God, no angels and demons, or any weird ghosts leaving you signs, in my eyes. Sometimes I find it funny to pretend there is, though. I believe odd things, but I believe them literally. I can't think of any exceptions to that, and I also cannot think of anything else to write, I feel like I just wrote an entire novel and I covered everything there was to possibly think of, so I am updating my site and going to sleep. After that, who knows. 'Kay, bye. Being all kewl about it, this time. Oppa poser style.
Nighty night.
<<-VoDkA->>
Last updated: 8/25/24 @ 3:12 AM.
Yaaawn. Wie Gehts, Guten Abend. Haha, jeyeah. I haven't written anything on here in a while! I figured I'd treat myself to an update, an update while I'm not sitting upon a pile of shit built up beneath me that life's bestowed upon myself. I'm pretty alright! Let's knock on wood there, but, things have been fine. I can only really say "fine." That's what it is. Hmmm, let me think. The good, the bad, and the ugly. All the contrast the whole world has to offer, and then a median. Third party voter. The bad, my grandmother is back in the hospital, just because the world decided to throw that at me for the fuck of it. She's bleeding internally and has lost all function of her, um, bodily functions to not get too gross ontop of the cancerS. Yeah. Two different kinds, possibly three, which is being checked out by some kidney specialist lab-coat wearing freak right now, who knows. That's the whole goddamn reason I don't live with my parents anymore, which kinda pushes me to another thing. With not knowing if she's making it outta the hospital this time, I don't think I'm ever going 'home' (nawt that it really mattered, I'm getting real comfortable where I am, but that still kind of sucks.) I was supposed to start school sooner, I actually thought I'd be writing this entry quite a bit sooner, but the way things work is a mystery. I brought up not going home because that is related to school starting. Moving halfway across the fucking state, practically, means the enrollment process took a lot longer and my nerves have been shot. I'm so goddamn stressed out over that. Public school for the first time in three whole years, woohoo. Ten days and some change later, here I am. It's a sunday night, and tomorrow, I start my fIrSt day of eleventh grade officially. Two weeks after everyone else. I cannot say I'm particuarly excited, but, I dunno. Maybe it won't be HOE. I HOPE it won't be. Other teenagers are so shitty, you come to find out. Everyone is so shitty, actually, I take that back. The point is still valid, though. More of a 'yes, and' deal. My relatives suck, that's s'more bad, a whole lot. My aunt especially. She can kiss my fucking ass, and there's really not much more I have to elaborate on with that. I just don't like women! Most of them, that is. All of do them make up the female race which has gone on to wrong me throughout living as a whole, though it's not pessimisi-moping time, so I will get over that for now and detail my misogyny another day. My sleep schedule has mostly fixed itself, which is nice, and I will probably go to sleep in about an hour and a half, maybe two hours, but I know I cannot be up super late. What I'm saying is, I can't write too, too much this time. Eventually, this site will have an audience at some point, which I find interesting. An audience of maybe one or two people in passing, but, still an audience. I wonder how those who follow me online will feel knowing I really am not as articulate, or kool, or really anything as I make myself out to be, or they make of me in their heads from how I type. Probably not particularly surprised. I also got permanently banned off of Roblox, which SUCKS! Oh well. I guess the last thing "bad" I can really think of. My main Tumblr... Also got banned! I am just getting terminated from social platforms left and right. It's really not much to mope over, I know, boo-hoo, but that was still shitty of them to do. How dare you try and get rid of me off your platform, amirite? Lul. It matters very little in particular, though, because I came back still and have already managed three hundred followers again. Good job me. Something good, let me think. There's kind of a lot. If I wanna keep it brief, I GOT A FUCKING CAT! Her name is Lucy, and she's this teensy little calico kitten, about twelve or thirteen weeks old now, who is just clingy to no end. I love her to death, but, I really have never seen an animal attach itself to me like she has. She follows me everywhere, and cries when I'm gone for more than twenty minutes with no exaggeration. Clingy, and vocal. She climbs me every time I get anywhere near her, resulting in my whole body being littered with claw marks, and she screams at me in the most truthful way to use that word until I pet her. I love that girl, but, my boyfriend not so much. He cannot STAND the noise she makes. I just think it's funny. A little bit out of chronological order with my retellings of the past two weeks, sure, but you have to bare with me here; I went to a record shop a few days after leaving my last entry here, and it was very fun, aside for scraping my knee badly enough it is still healing. I stayed for about thirty minutes, looked at everything there was to offer there, and then I ditched the place. Interesting time over-all. They had Rammstein, and a Skinny Puppy CD I could not afford, so sadly, I left empty handed. Oh well.
I have watched a good amount of movies since I last wrote! I have been enjoying movies recently, of course, and I have seen Lolita, American Psycho, Fight Club and just before I started on this entry, NBK again in the span of these two weeks. I loved each and every one of them. I figured I would end my "summer" officially off on Natural Born Killers, as I watched it at the very start of the summer, too, so I tried to keep some form of routine going. Tradition's sake, or whatever. Speaking of tradition.. Hahahahha. Of course, I planned on mentioning this, but, 9/11 obviously came and passed while I hadn't updated. That was something. I celebrated, of course, why wouldn't I? Vodka for Vodka, and a Dr. Pepper... Also, I guess I relistened to The Downward Spiral, and Xtort. Stereotypical, I know. Happy Birthday to me... Anyways!!!
I'm currently staying at my (other) aunt's house, for current goods, which is nice because it's very small and nice here, better than my other aunt's, and the shower is much larger. I think I had the best shower of my life last night, seriously. She got me pumpkin pie to have, I enjoyed that very thoroughly, but I think I will be here for about a week which somewhat sucks. There is no transportation for me to get to school from my REAL house, across the state, so for now I'm walking from here each morning. Good exercise, or whatever. Being here also means more time alone, as my aunt is at work 90% of the day, which is overjoying. Her pet cat is a plus, too. The last pleasant thing I can think of is Smig came back! The Tumblr anon conversations before I was banned were fun and all, I guess, but I found speaking to him to be of particular enrichment. I know what's up with him now as well, and of course, despite the amount of thoughts I hold on it all, I am still refusing to put the poor guy's information out there because that's just weird. You will never get to know any of it, dear reader. All that is needed to know regardless is that I feel very bad for him. Nothing else has particularly gone on that is WORTH talking about, maybe I could say debilitating psychosis, coding, a stupid stomach bug that's been around. I dunno. It's more or less nothing NOTEWORTHY that I mean, so, I will end it here. Your willingness to read this all is appreciated, whoever you may be. I am aware of my ability to talk a lot. I will be awake again in 7 hours after this, and as for when I'll update again, who knows. If anything important happens, I can jot out some thoughtz. Maybe I won't have to say everything was shitty and unfortunate after school's went and gone, and the whole job thing is sorted out. Or maybe I'll make myself look like a pathetic son of a bitch again. That's to be determined. I'll end this on saying my first class tomorrow is comp-sci, and I could say that sounds like fun. LaterZ... G'night.
VoDkA
Last updated: 9/15/24 at 11:14 in the evening.